beccaelizabeth: fizzgig from The Dark Crystal is having a shouty tantrum made of sharp teeth. (tantrum)
Why do people who know me and my disabilities still insist on using the phone?
I cannot brain on the phone.
And I lose bits of the conversation.

Writing is much better.

Why will people not put things in writing when they said they would?
It's just answering an email!
If they've got the things in writing at their end then how can it be harder to email them?
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
L tells me to contact ILN to do paperwork stuff to get new employee
ILN says L told them my funding is under review and they're waiting to hear if I still have it
L didn't tell me that

L is not in work again until next week
ILN won't do paperwork stuff until she tells them to
so no employee
or even advertising for one
still.

L also told me she'd email me and the social worker about a thing.
such an email has not materialised.

and the email I sent to the disabled people housing thing was answered slightly more than a month later
despite the lady on the phone saying said email did not exist.

(They advise me to contact them to do the conversation I had on the phone. You know how I was contacting them? In email! They're a working with disabled people organisation, what is this obsession with the damn phone? but they also say once I fill in the form they'll make a meeting with me and my family and support, because clearly they are not an organisation for independent disabled people, wtf.)

Sometimes I wish I could win the lottery not so I could have more money over all, but so I could actually control the flow without all this damn hoop jumping.


seems like I spend all my time either filling in forms or waiting for someone to get back to me.


in other news, the appointment I was promised in 1-3 months finally happened on Wednesday, 5 months after the promise.
so now I get 10 weeks of one hour a week of alleged helpfulness.
my optimism fell out quite a long time ago.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
So. I am done with college. Read more... )

I need to think of something. Almost anything. A plan.

Read more... )


What else, what else... Quest Shop and/or Tavern, Space Colony (in training), and...


I spend the most time thinking about being on a superhero team. Read more... )

Okay, plans: Make World Work Like In Stories, because I don't suck at stories. Also in stories I don't has to be humans anyway.


That can totally work, right?
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
One interesting thing about Redemption: I'm pretty sure I met more autistic spectrum people (who said they were) in one weekend, or in one room at some points, than tend to be together at once at the autistic spectrum social groups I went to. I think perhaps we're not great with the getting together to be social if social is the whole point. Go talk about our favourite thing all weekend? Queues! (Except not queues because Redemption is mercifully free of those.) (Just enough people to make a queue, if we happened to all stand in a row.) And there's lots of cons I go to and very strongly suspect many of us are in attendance, but there's things about Red I like in particular.

I like structured discussion groups with a moderator better than I like trying to figure out when to talk in a crowded bar. I no so much like the ones at the end of the day when the distinction is eroded due to copious partaking of bar products. I dislike being interrupted. But I like when the panel person notices I've been interrupted and points at me for my turn again. It makes this whole talking thing much simpler if there's turns and waiting and someone to say who is next.

And topics are awesome. They're part of what makes talking at cons and SF club near infinitely easier than at other venues, because everyone is there for something we can all talk about. Read more... )

I hate the idea that I said stupid things and annoyed people, yet I don't tend to recall from one con to the next the times someone was stupid or annoying, because why bother when there were lots of interesting things to recall?

(Plus most of the times I started finding people annoying I counted the hours since my last meal or sleep and thought 'ah' and went back to my room for a bit. It is hard not to keep going until overload when so much *interesting* keeps happening.)

Also if people didn't want to talk to me there were nearly 300 other people to talk to so I think I can assume any conversation they didn't run away from was at least enough interesting to sit still for.

But try telling the other bit of my brain that :eyeroll:



So I think the talking parts of the con are very AS friendly. And how the whole thing is very structured, you can spend all your time doing things that are on a timetable and you can plan them in advance if you want. Or if you don't want you don't have to. And I like that there are disabled rates for paying for the thing and there's lots of other disabled people there and I can be pretty sure if I start telling stories about being stuck on the cold seats because disabled then I will get lots of nods and return stories rather than blank looks and turning backs. I found it welcoming and inclusive, in ways that not all cons are.


Also, I like dancing. There are lots of different sorts of dancing to be doing at Redemption. Read more... )

I like dancing with my earrings. I was trying to think of having read anything ever that sounds even vaguely like that statement or what I mean by it, but I'm coming up short, so is maybe not an NT thing to notice. Read more... )

At the Dead Dog Party I collected a list of what everyone else thought were the best bits of the weekend. Which, since it was mostly bits I hadn't been to, briefly gave me the :-( But then I realised that means there's more than one excellently awesome convention going on in the same building at once, because I'd had a very happy weekend until it occured to me I'd Missed Stuff, and now I'm feeling happy about the stuff I went to again, which was all good, so there was one full weekend of All Good and then this other set of weekend that was also All Good for the people that did that. Which is really very good going.

I booked for next Redemption before I left this one. I may spend much of the intervening time telling everyone what a good idea that is. Because that was fun.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
There's a thing at the Guardian today about making Christmas better for people with learning disabilities, especially autism. Christmas is all New and Improved and Different and More and Sparklier, and that's a whole list of things autistic spectrum people do not in fact consider good things. The sensory overload alone... blergh. Read more... )

But, some autistic spectrum people do not like unwrapping presents at all. There's a totally unknown thing in there. It could be anything. Who wants surprise random things? Not them. Chatting at the AS social group someone said about a kid who just has stacks and stacks of presents, like all the years of presents, because they never can unwrap them. What neither of us could understand was why does his family keep wrapping them in the first place! Read more... )

So often advice about how to interact with autistic spectrum people is 'autistic spectrum people will not have fun doing things the NT people around them are doing, so try and get them used to it'. :-p Try instead 'autistic spectrum people will not have fun doing things the NT way, so try doing things they actually like'.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I don't know how many months it took this time, but the annual review and subsequent paperwork is finally finished. All the paper all filled in, and all things will stay working pretty much the same, but with different names. Personal Budget now.

We had to fill in a thing that says 'what can go wrong' and 'what would you do about it'. Most of the things I can think of are stuff like 'another fire' or 'more zombies' and the answer is 'phone 999'. I don't know if that's what they meant, but that's what goes wrong. Things are kind of pre wrong in other areas. Something to do about it would be nice.

I will keep on having a cleaner and an assistant who drives me places. It's kind of like being a rich person without the glamour. Sometimes I wonder if famous people with drivers and stuff are secretly about as able as I am, but with better PR.


I try and answer questions when we do this paperwork thing but I think I probably babble a lot and say irrelevant things. But there's questions like What Is Important To You, and I have to vague up the list a bit because while I could answer 'Reading slash fanfic' that would turn into explanations. Which the forms probably don't need. So it's 'Reading' and 'books' and 'my computer', as well as 'college' and 'buddhism' and 'science fiction social group' and 'dancing'. Not actually having been lately does not disqualify them from being important. That's just for the 'what hasn't been working' category. And then somehow they take all these answers and file them somewhere as an explanation for why they give me helper people.

I can see why the scrounger rhetoric takes root so easy. It's not like dancing lessons and nights down the pub are the most obvious essentials for life. But otherwise I'm a hermit, or 'socially isolated', and that doesn't work out so well.



Shopping after was very abbreviated, and only to Tesco, so I have only quorn spag bol to eat because they don't like selling useful food. I also have juice to drink. Between that and what's in my cupboards already I'm fine for a bunch more days.

It's very nearly December. And lessons have finished. And it's only a couple more weeks until the Starfury Midnight convention, and I haven't done any at all towards preparing for that.
Years go whoosh. *blinks*
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
The project I woke up thinking about today: Films by autistic spectrum people that are not about autism.

Read more... )

And then we could put the videos on YouTube and have like an autistic spectrum channel.


I went to try and find out who is already posting to YouTube, because I'm sure there are some already, but I can't figure what search terms to use. I mean, I tried typing in autistic, but mostly that found the same BBC documentaries I already saw. (And: Yaay BBC for putting us on TV, but slight unyaay at the specifics.)

Read more... )

Everyone has something they're interesting about. Something they're interested in, something they've got a connection to, something they can talk about for five minutes and tell you something you wouldn't have thought of on your own.
It's pretty awesome.

YouTube is probably full of it already though.

Still: Films by us and about us but not about AS.
Could be interesting.

(PS I know I said 'talk' but I think of typing and adding captions and all this other stuff we do online as talking, not just the voice stuff, so these films are not about standing in front of the camera making voice noises, which not so many people would do.)
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I have been letting things stack up on the recorder box, so I watched a fairly eclectic selection the last couple of days.

California Man is not funny any more. It just makes me *facepalm* at the me who thought it was funny. On the plus side, I am no longer a teenager.

Once Upon a Time is a bit interesting, but... well there's lots of but around the edges. Read more... )

Other things I watched...

I saw a Louis Theroux documentary about autistic kids in America. It did the usual things that creep me out. Read more... )

So, anyway, as per usual, TV about autistic people bothers me because it never resembles the actual autistic people I actually know, even if presumably this one was about a different set of real autistic people.

Also also, why America? It's not like there's a shortage of home grown.



Then I watched My Name Is Khan. That was not easy to watch, there were many upsetting bits. Bad things happened to small child. Very upsetting.
The main character, Khan, he's autistic spectrum, and the film is about that a bit, but mostly about race and religion and romance and how 9/11 screwed up America. Read more... ) So in the end he wins and he's the hero, and his marriage is back together, and it's as close to a happy ending as you can get in a film where so many bad things happen to them.
So I think I like it. Even the ways it uses him being autistic spectrum.
But I watched it in small parts all spaced out because many upsetting things happen and it was quite hard to watch.

Also, that under the cut was not my most coherent review ever, I would have to rewrite it quite a lot to fix it.
The film made sense all in a row, but it was long and complicated, and it all linked together in themes and stuff, so when I write the bits I remember it loops around a lot. But that's good in the film, there's no random bits, it all adds together to make a story that needs all those parts in it.
And I like that he achieved what he set out to do by being helpful.
More movies should have being helpful as the main heroic trait.



I think that was all the stuff I watched.
I also played computer games but they were all boring.
I need to find computer games that are not boring and don't make me sick. Like, Doctor Who games are not boring, but I can't play for more than ten minutes without feeling violently ill, because of all that swingy swoopy camera stuff. Tradewinds games weren't boring with the trading and fighting but I've played them a lot now. And I like the games where you run a shop and solve puzzles. I even liked the build a village games except they take forever and mostly your villagers are going to die of starvation whatever you do which is just depressing. Also the only way to grow your village was to make all the women spend all their time looking after babies until they couldn't any more. That's just creepy. ANYway, I like building trading shopping puzzle games. Possibly with fashions. And foods. And fighting. Funnily enough I haven't found one with all the parts yet. But mostly games are getting more boring more quickly now.


I should do more studying now.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I read a couple of articles about autism and computer use. They say the same usual bollocks. Limit the computer use of autistic people so they don't become obsessed with the virtual world at the expense of the real world. Also there was some advertising for apps that are supposed to teach simple social skills.

It reminds me of my mum when she didn't used to realise there were other people in the computer.
The computer is secretly a telephone, without the speaking parts.
Do people worry about people being obsessed with using the telephone? Not in regular newspaper articles they don't. Because they understand there's other people in the telephone.

The true better advice about autistic people and computer use: Don't waste their time with computer games meant to teach them about things that aren't very similar at all. Show them where the people are.

It is not a virtual world in a computer unless you go buying your kids a virtual world and then worry they'll like it better.

It is reality, with more subtitles.
And less actual hugging.

Read more... )

If the articles ever differentiated between virtual worlds made of non humans, ie games with no other players, and virtual worlds made of typing with real humans in them, ie LJ and DW, then they wouldn't wind me up so much. Learning your social skills from computer games has an obvious failure mode, even if it is more fun to keep doing things that tell you how excellent you are every few minutes. But there's real people in this box. Same way I'm in this box. We talk.

Why is that so difficult for text based newspapers to understand?

... maybe they don't understand their readers are real?
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
get out juice glass, soup plate, soup bowl
get out soup can, open soup can
pour soup in glass
... *facepalm* ...
giggle, pour glass in bowl, tell internet
... if I only had a brain... wait, brains I got, college keeps working, yet kitchen does this...
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I watched the first disc of season 2 of Star Trek the Next Generation. I'm still kind of wondering why I loved this show. But I realised a piece of it while watching 'The Outrageous Okona' - I was watching as an autistic spectrum teenager. Read more... )
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
today's dream involved daft sibling suddenly deciding his name was Edward. He would no longer answer to any or all variations on his given name, his name was Edward. He'd answer to Edward about as well as he usually does to anything, which is to say not very, which is why it took a while to figure this out. So he was all getting woke up and got up and made fit to meet the challenges of the day and allowed back to said challenges, which on the whole meant watching more DVDs. And then later we went to the beach for a mini holiday. He sulked because it involved whole numbers of hours of not watching DVDs. And then we went home and he watched more DVDs again.

The interesting part was the gradual realisation that actually he wasn't just my brother being contrary, he was alternate universe brother being a whole alternate version of himself. He was watching DVDs not just because he wants to like usual but because to daft brother the most important thing about an alternate universe is if they changed what's on the DVDs when he wasn't looking.

Then I realised it would explain a *lot* about my brother if he woke up every morning and wondered that.

I think this would make a good book. You could make it a book where both ends were the start so in one universe his family woke up and he was answering to Edward and in the other his family woke up and he'd stopped answering to Edward and they both have ordinary days with ordinary challenges but with alternate universe brother. And it's really hard to notice because he's *autistic* alternate universe brother. Except I was thinking how there's that 'oops wrong planet' bit about us, and it would be like that, without the antennas. So in one day he's going to his day place and he's sulking because he wants to watch DVDs and in the other he's going to the beach and he's sulking because he wants to watch DVDs and they're both annoyed because it's Not The Routine. And then it's a book about an autistic person's normal day where they notice all these things people do that are really quite weird. Only when the two sides of the book meet in the middle the two autistic kids meet at the mirror door between universes and compare boxes of DVDs they want to take back with them.

Half the pages should be in ordinary round shapes like most people draw and be from the family point of view and the other half should be in square shapes like my brother draws and be his point of view. They should join together in the middle like a splash page so they're obviously the same room but nothing looks the same because his world is his and their world is theirs. I think if the outside pages are his then when he meets in the middle the crossing between universes page is both his.

I don't know any science fiction kids stories about autistic kids. I like this idea.

I would have to get my brother to help though cause I don't know what his ordinary day looks like after he gets sent in the taxi or on a minibus.

... getting my brother to help would be challenging...
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Planet A, or possibly B:
1) If you have something to say, say it.
2) If you don't have something to say, don't say anything.
3) Talk about your shiny. Whatever is the bestest thing to talk about. Then you have shared and everyone has some of that shiny.

Planet E:
1) If you have something to say, wait until it is Your Turn.
1b) it is probably Your Turn if nobody is talking
1c) it is also Your Turn if somebody asked you a question

2) If you have nothing to say, ask a question.

3) Talk about what everyone else is talking about. Something is only the best thing to talk about if everyone is talking about it. Then everyone knows you also think it is Most Important.
3b) if nobody is talking yet, ask one of the top five categories. These include 'How are you' and 'how was your day' and 'how is your family' and... erm, okay, there's other categories, but it gets Complicated because there's rules about who you talk to about what. From Planet A these rules are quite impenetrable. We just talk about our shiny.


Planet A you might also know as Asperger's.
Planet B is also known as Boss.
Read more... )


This is what I have learned from 31 years on the wrong planet.
... natives, feel free to correct me. The questions thing only occured to me, er, pretty much this week, so, you know, clueless on a level instruction books never really consider...
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Okay, so I'm not asleep yet.

Actually I'm obsessing on How Many People Was I Rude To This Time.
Read more... )
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
The Guardian has another thingy about autism, the bit with the latest findings correlating testosterone and 'so-called autistic traits'.

It's another nothing much of a finding, of itself.

But down the end in the last paragraph there's a nice quote:

"There is a very live debate about whether autism should simply be recognised as an atypical pattern of development like left handedness which doesn't necessarily need treatment," said Prof Baron-Cohen, "It just needs to be recognised as different and maybe supported educationally but not cured or eradicated."

And then the Guardian has a discussion page.
Read more... )

So anyways, NTs respond one way, Auties another, ETs might like either or neither or both.

Humans live longer for variety.

You know, collectively.

Individual humans may, possibly, live longer for having a variety of responses available, but might have a cat and fox situation.

Might be awkward if one's usual solutions are most suitable to unusual situations, but conditions change, so you never know.

I mean, think of the basilisk invasion! Or medusa - what if medusa invaded the Earth? All the eye contact types would be screwed.

... of course there's quite a lot of evidence that the whole couch potato hermit existence is, well, not conducive to the passing on of genes, but that's a whole other thing.
*nods*
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Am having an untalking day.

Also having a weird moment of feeling invisible. Prompted by like-me being in the paper.
NYTimes on autistic spectrum girls

(I typed NT Times. That's obscurely funny.)

I saw it because this entry pointed at it, with some surprise that autistic people were into fiction.

Which makes me blinky. Isn't there a bunch of us around here? Writing fic even?
... well, more than one.
... right?

I made a comment but then I unmade it. I don't quite know how to say. I mean it's not the thing where someone only sees the wheelchair, because the defining features are indeed features of mind and behaviour, but... Sometimes I don't like the mirror words about autistic spectrum makes for me. They're weird words and I'm not that weird. Except for, you know, when I am.

Now there's a comment. Not alone! Relieved!

I couldn't think of a good way to word a comment anyways. Something like "Hey, standing right here!" is what I'm thinking, but is it for saying? Especially since, er, I can't remember why this person is on my f-list and I know I'm not on theirs... They probably wrote something I read. Doesn't mean they know I exist.

I made a new comment. It's probably not better.




I'm not like some of the people in that NYT article. I go to college and live on my own.
*is proud*
*... in a really depressed way ...*

College

Nov. 16th, 2006 02:44 pm
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I did college
and class was hard.
Once again we did working in groups, and once again I was more group adjacent.

So I made a plan, and it turned out to be a good plan. My plan was: I have no plan, I shall go ask people who might have a plan.
So I went to the Study Skills centre, and they sent me to the learning support people for disability stuff downstairs, and it turns out that the college has a Centre of Excellence for Autistic Spectrum stuff. I don't know what one of them is in the general sense, but in the specific it turns out to be a building way at the arse end of the campus (along the outside road, in the rain, of course).

There was some mutual surprise. I was surprised there was a place, because I hadn't heard of it. They was surprised they hadn't heard of me. I've only been at college 4 years (three of which I actually turned up for).

So from having no plan I have an entire center of excellence figuring out a plan for me.

Nifty!

... Of course, potentially could have been nifty several years ago, but that sooooo isn't the point. I made a good plan.

So next week there will be meeting with the nice person from there before class. And possibly getting a classroom assistant. Drama is *hard*. I'd like to do the group working much better I just don't know what would be necessary to get there. So I find people that know. Yaays :-)

... I feel a bit weird about the possibility of having a helpful person in class. I mean, class was the bit I could do myself. But, I have been doing by myself for several years, and this specific skill remains very tricky. So someone could see and have suggestions for making it less tricky. I don't know. I figure that their half of the job is to offer helpful and my half is to accept help, and take it from there.



This Higher Learning Study Skills bit is turning out useful. Because we're supposed to identify deficits and figure out a plan to fix them. So my plan to make a plan is part of that whole unit. Cool.

Also, they said there was helpful they could offer for stuff outside of my specific course. Social skills, all sorts of stuff.

Also also they have a kitchen! With a microwave in!
... This may not strike anyone else as way cool, but there's precisely one kind of sandwich I've yet discovered available on campus that I can eat. And it isn't exactly optimal. And then I have to go in the food eating place, which I can do as long as it is the small place, but not the large one with the actual variety.
So now there is a place where they quite understand that the large food place is not the easy place to be, and they have a room and a kitchen and a microwave and I can cook the stuff I can actually eat. Joy!

Of course at the moment I'm not so much there at food eating times, and I've never explored options for better eating anyway, but now there's an option all sorted out and presented.


They have a room, with computers and games consoles and stuff. I don't reckon I'll be using it much - I love the library - but it is very neat they have a room.


And mostly I just have a plan for moving forward on things that I've been stuck at for a while, so I'm in happy dance mode.



Last lesson on the Novel today. Two weeks left before essay hand in. Very low word count. Which on the one hand means easy to make that many words, but on the other means quite tricky to make them demonstrate all the learning outcomes.


Today worked. Yaay :-)

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