beccaelizabeth's dreamwidth journal

somedays one's options are nausea with head pain or nausea lying in the dark with feeling one should not move much in case the pain comes back.
paracetamol are wonderful as far as they go.
but then after a while I've slept as much as is happening any time soon, I've tried lying still in the dark, and it's all got so incredibly boring I'm back to deciding hey, how bad can head pain be?
... annoying stabby pain : ah, that bad.
so I'm bored, tired, nauseous, and grumpy.

lovely.

also, my ridiculous brain has decided Vegetable Noodles Are Food. Not just good food, Food. All other foods are Not Vegetable Noodles. If it decided this about something I could bring home from the supermarket then I'd just roll with it as usual, but no, it's stuck on Vegetable Noodles from the Chinese take away. I can get them delivered if I order two days worth of food at once, but it's not exactly economical eatings. I don't know, hopefully it'll go back to something easy like micro chips are food. or soup. I quite like soup usually.

What's in chinese take away vegetable noodles? I know there's mushrooms and other mushrooms and carrot and those little sweetcorn thingies that are all pointy bumpy thing and also green peppers and red peppers that are the same kind of peppers and also some things that go crunch and some things that don't and are mostly green ish. Plus there's noodles. And something that makes the noodles taste really good.
I don't think there's steam in the microwave bags of all them vegetables anyway so I probably couldn't make them myself, but it would be quite nice.

I'm hungry and nauseous. It's a very annoying conversation. Usually I don't notice hungry, but now I'm sitting here grumpy with it. And I've tried eating but I've still got the same hungry, so possibly it isn't hungry in general but Wants Noodles.

Brains are... *throws hands up and rolls eyes*

I watched that Disney film Brave.
I didn't like it very much.
I liked the animation for things like water and fire and hair, but the people looked like weird ethnically stereotyped dollies and kind of creeped me out.
And ( Read more... )

I don't know, there's nothing particular wrong with the story, just nothing particular impressive either.
Not my cup of tea.



I have a headache and I'm grumpy and it's 0130 in the morning and maybe I just shouldn't have started a film.
*shrugs*

Was awake all night with a bad brain
having completely run out of food and drink and failed at even clicking a button to remedy that
got to sleep some time after 0800
slept all day (when I have things to do tomorow I'll probably have to cancel now)
got woke up at 1630 by my employee asking about tonight plans. remade plans as I woke up. needed shopping, so instead of dancing there was shopping.
Tesco has properly stopped stocking quorn. I went to Customer Services and made a :-( face and said now they have none of my foods. there are 6 things, fake-ham slices, gruyere cheese escalopes, quorn mince and chickenish pieces that are in the freezers anyway, and cottage pie... and something else I can't remember that I don't eat anyway. The only thing left out of my favourites buy them ever week list is the cottage pie. and that's because of sales so they won't be replacing it.
So I'll have to order in from Norwich instead.
arse.

Now I am home. I have a headache, I feel sick, I have felt that way for hours, it was a contributing factor to the suckness that happened before I could sleep, and I just want to reboot today and start over.

I am waiting for the juice to chill before I drink it. I think possibly that's not a good idea. I should have bought something in a bottle to be going on with. I'll just drink room temperature juice instead. Blergh.

I have read the stupid Kracauer book, including the 2004 introduction that explains all the ways it is stupid, up through the chapter on Caligari. Which is the film I'm writing about. So I've read the important bits. Except it will keep on referring to it after that, so there's probably more bits I should read, but still. I read it. I win at study.

... now I have a headache. *sigh*

Also, I put little post it flags on the bits with useful or interesting quotes, and basically every page has three of them, so they're not massively helpful now. I just doubled the width of the book or something. Sticky notes of doom.

I don't know what I'm going to say about Caligari. ( Read more... )

... okay, actually, I seem to know what I'm going to say in my essay about Caligari.

Now I just need to make it fit the learning outcomes, refer to other sorts of art (Expressionism, pretty easy with Caligari), and draw on bits from other modules (not so much easy, will have to poke more carefully). Oh, and decide on the exact phrasing. Something like "Explore the significance of Dr Caligari's glasses" maybe.



... and I have a bunch of weeks to make it say it. Essay hand in is a couple of weeks away even without the usual extensions.


On the other hand, I still need to make a coherent presentation tomorrow and whenever I practice in my head it keeps changing. Also I am supposed to have done a critical commentary of my own short story, and I haven't, and due to the headache I'm pretty sure I won't tonight.

And I have less than 8 hours to get 8 hours sleep, but since I only woke up six hours ago that's really not going to happen.

I spent my day waiting for shopping, clearing my tv recorder onto discs, and playing a computer game. A game I did not like. A game I knew I did not like after the first level. I therefore cannot explain why I spent six hours playing it, but there you go, I did. I played it until I was about two levels from finished, and it crashed. And had not been saving my game. Since it offered no save game button I somehow assumed it was saving it. But no. So, even more pointless and futile than usual then. I thought about going to bed early, but then remembered it's New Year's Eve. Seeing as all I'll do is watch BBC2 and drink orange juice, there isn't much point, but *shrugs*.

So, okay, everyone is doing year in review stuff. Since my main feeling about the year is 'yaays, it's over!' I'm not keen on reviewing it. Also, it don't really feel over, on account of I haven't finished the essay yet. Same as every year since 2002 then.

I kicked off 2011 by writing a short story, on the theory omens attend upon beginnings, or start as you mean to go on. Seeing as I then wrote and posted unlocked 5 original short stories, posted locked another two, and did 56,517 words of a novel over the summer, I'd say that worked. ( Read more... )

Re-reading my year isn't on the whole making me more cheerful about it.

So: 2011: It's over!

Party!

*watches Hootenanny*

two and a half hours in to a new day.
(1) headache
(2) nausea
(3) reading a fic, thinking 'this is absolutely awful', and then scrolling down to read more.

I don't even know why. I think maybe because they haven't got to the kissing parts yet and they're stuck in the horrible awkward misunderstanding phase. It's just usually that's more interesting when the 'verse is vaguely coherent and the characters don't all act like overtired thirteen year olds.

got any fic recs? I've been reading a lot of SG1 and SGA, but I think I should try branching out. SGA is just all weird AUs and xovers all the time anyway, so it's not like I've been reading the SGA universe so very much.

I would do college reading except points 1 and 2 make the chances of applying brain to text somewhat slim.

It's kind of depressing to notice that one of the things I like about my recent fic reading is the theme of cranky middle aged people finding people to be cranky and middle aged with. I mean, I used to read about teenagers. Like, on purpose. Only sometimes, I mostly reading about cranky librarians or snarky really old guys. And, come to think, the theme there was all about old mistakes and regrets and finding someone who likes you anyway. It's just I used to identify with the younger persons in those pairings, and now, not so much.

I also keep reading awkward first time didn't realise they were gay and hey that explains a lot fics. I think I like them cause they're an excuse to be considerably more than teenage and never got the hang of relationships at all at all.

The point of view of someone who thinks the world is bright and shiny and full of possibility and that they'll just meet their One True Love and get a house and 2.4 children and lalalalala oooh butterflies! er, well, you know, the point of view of someone young and quite sure everything will work out their local version of normal usual happy ever after? I sooooooo can't be having with that kind of point of view. Pretty much ever that I recall, but certainly not any more.

I'm going to go and try turning off the remaining lights now. I'd try lying down in the dark but I already spent many hours in a row doing that trying to get to sleep this morning so my boredom limit has been hit.



PS Have figured out what's structurally wrong with the 'verse in the fic I'm reading. A universe where Rodney McKay thinks he's so smart, valuable, and important that he can throw his weight around and everyone from the President on down will bow to his wishes makes perfect sense. A universe where this is actually what happens has rewritten the laws of basic human interaction. They didn't send him to Siberia, Antarctica, and the one way trip version of Atlantis because he was so valued.

PPS no fair, after all that it skips the kissing bit! It just goes to later and thinking they should have done it earlier! Gah!

A thing I don't get: I am reading about older characters. As in, not teenage. Probably middle aged. They've accumulated a bit of milage, got their scars, and while they've still got strength enough to be going on with, they're better padded than they used to be. Bodies that are comfortably worn in, like good leathers. Possibly they have less hair than they used to, probably it's going a little grey, or a lot silver. These are all features of these guys, distinguishing characteristics, and from where I'm standing good things.

So I read fic, and what happens? Some writers have them loose weight, change their exercise regimen (even characters who canonically get very plenty exercise as it is), grow their hair (!) and change their clothes (!!) and generally write about them like they got twenty years younger and decided 'pretty' was more important than 'apocalypse' in the grand scheme of things.

It's like they looked at these guys and decided 'They're so dreamy, I'll just change everything about them!'

I mean, I get writing about the younger versions, seeing how people got to be the way they are, maybe liking a certain season better than others, or appreciating the way regular exercise reshapes a person. But what I do not get is, if they're going to make them have different bodies, why start with those other bodies in the first place? Just... find different guys. Who are in fact younger already. It's not like Hollywood has any shortage.

And while it might logically seem likely they choose those guys for the personality, personal histories, relationships and all that unique stuff... no. Not so much, that I can see. I mean, there might be some really well characterised stuff that just thinks guys look better when they're starving themselves and spending all day at the gym, but the ones I've seen, if they're going to reshape their outsides, they go for the 'bringing them out of themselves', 'more confident', 'freer', totally redone different personality. Just tweak every aspect of their personality. And forget all that save the world stuff, that's what canon is for, the guys clearly would rather be in bed.

Maybe it's for the pairings. If they keep the pairings. Just... if they want them to look different, act different, and live in different stories, why do they care about the pair at all?

... okay, I'm done now.

I'd just like to read stories about (a) old friends-turned-enemies who try and make it work again and (b) teachers with adult-enough students, probably with swords involved or (c) protector/protected pairs that are based on age/ability not gender, and all of those require people with a bit of history on them. I like the little lines and the silver. It's all good. All this instant teenage reversion stuff... it's like the auton replica versions, hello plastic.
... except Rory-auton didn't look plastic, or act plastic, so plastic is not necessarily a bad thing, but you know what I mean.

I'd say it's like the Hollywood recasting of everyone but quite a lot of TV was in LA to start with. Still, LA people are less likely to look as various as British TV people, to my eye, and it gets peculiar sometimes.

Okay, I should take a painkiller and do something completely different now.
/rant

In my continuing quest to watch whatever happens to be £3 and not a gross out comedy at the supermarket I just watched Legion. Some of it was really funny. Unfortunately it thinks it's a horror movie.
So there's a diner in the middle of nowhere under siege. Inside there are two black guys, one of them disabled, three white women, one of them pregnant, and four white men, one of whom leers at his own daughter's short skirt and is the first to die. Guess what order the rest die in?
If you guessed 'disabled black guy then other black guy' then you may have watched movies before!
... yeah, I wasn't impressed.
Then there's the roles of women. It's a base under siege story where there's enough guns for everyone. Clearly this is an opportunity for women to kick arse!
... in another genre.
( Read more... )

In case you think my objections to the movie were all race and gender based, no, it was mostly just the thing where it was rubbish. It wasn't just following genre conventions, it was telling you about them first. "They've tested our strength, now they'll test our weakness!" And there's a drunk guy and an upset woman! Wow I wonder what happens now! :eyeroll:


The angel wings looked pretty cool though. Wings are not so easy to do well. There was some very flash stuff with these ones.

Unfortunately they were mostly used to stop bullets, at which point my brain commentary kept going "My wings are like a shield of steel!"

Which, you know, kind of undermined the dramatic impact.



I think I've now spent a lot more words on this film than was in any way necessary.

I also think that £3 was about £2 too much.

My head has ouch. Also has stupid. And my attempts to sleep yesterday really didn't work, though I did get a plot bunny. Starting with 'what would be fun to do to Owen... hmmmm, mpreg!' and then plugging that in to season 2 and seeing how it changes everything. And the tricky bit is getting him to decide to keep the baby, but after that, I think it can logically lead to nobody getting dead-dead at the end of the season.
( Read more... )

So. Anyway. That's what I was thinking on today. Tosh and Owen story with mpreg baby leading to an everybody lives ending to season 2 for certain and season 3 maybe.



I realise the point of how things turned out was the winding it up until it gets really bad. I seen stories that take the sting out and unwind the characters and fix things that way. But I was trying to add extra difficult complicateds and the interesting bit was the surprising way it logically can lead to unwinding the characters and fixing things.

And a completely different Owen/Tosh relationship.
And Owen being... different kinds of complicated.
And sources of tension with Jack.



If I was writing Torchwood fanfic this would be actually tempting.


Plus make me LOL.

My head is full. Full full full. Full.
... modernism involves a lot of repeating. I have been keeping track of repeat words all day.
I only said modernism gave me a headache just the once, before taking a paracetamol.

I disliked today much less than previous modernism reading. I have decided to look at it as a set of sentences that don't necessarily stick together. Because they don't. Then the compare and contrast exercises are just about words, and I can ignore the not making sense IDIOT WRITER parts.

How do people study all day every day? I study 0900 to 1430 with about an hour of short breaks spread out between. And my head gets VERY FULL.
Also I nearly fell asleep. That part doesn't help.

And then the teacher wanted the blinds open, which means I can't see the laptop screen, so she said to move round and face the other way and I could see it, except then I could see out the window and there's lots of pretty colors and moving things in that direction. I was all attempting concentration on modernism but OH A BIRD WHEEE LEAVES PRETTY BIRD AGAIN LEAF BIRD LEAF BIRD oh dear now we have to feed back to the class.

*head freakin desk*

On the other hand I now know the difficulties in that plan.
Is why I wear my hat. Pull hat down, make world small.


Also today I discovered the flooring in the ladies loos on that level is SPARKLY with SILVER and SHINY when you move and... it was luck that I got back to class in time...
stupid loos not wide enough. I'm only a size 16, I'm not excessively wide, yet stupid things not wide enough.


Also? All these facts are equally important in my brain. The ones college is going to grade for my degree have to compete on equal footing. It's a wonder I get ANYTHING done EVER.



But I did. I went. I studied. I was a bit weird at people. My ability to construct sentences in English abandoned me at least an hour before lessons ended. The food place makes me stutter.
Oh, food place! I discovered that if they don't have any vegan burgers and you ask nicely they MAKE THEM! :-) This probably works less well once lunch rush has started so it's a bit down to luck, but I had FOOD! And happy.

And then after lessons I went to hide in the silent study area but people were having coffee and talk. So I told the librarian. Because no coffee no talking is the rule. But I've been feeling all guilty about it since then. Which is no helpful.

And then I went to my appointment with the finance advisor guy and he says probably if I fill the forms in correctly I can get funding samelike the other years and if I can't there's a fund the college has to pay tuition if you don't got it so I no need worry. So that's great.


Then I went on the bus and came home.

BUSY!



Also I listened to Doctor Who. Other Lives. It was quite amusing.

I miss my computer. I miss having my little calm down shiny things of predictable pattern and noise. I miss having my NOTES and my WORD PROCESSOR and the ability to open the clever bubble diagrams. I'd like my own computer back pls.

But I did studying anyway and made notes and not I will go sit quietly in the dark and let my head get empty again.

... okay, hopefully not empty, but...

Romana is cool! Has adventures, saves people, and goes off to save own universe! Gets fed up of the Doctor and dumps him. Can see why. Romana gets K9 and Doctor gets Adric. Romana wins.

Story quite often didn't make even a tiny bit of sense, but hey, no worries. Had fun running around and fighting shiny skeleton warriors anyways.

Best bit: Somewhere in the middle of that my headache wore off, only having lasted about eight hours. Win! Doctor Who clearly cures everything! Or at least makes waiting around for it to get better much less boring.

My head has a pulse. It's not very much like a little hammer and anvil. It's currently reminding me more of the cloister bell, dooom dooom dooom.
I have been listening to Doctor Who 8th Doctor audios all day. I still love the one with Daleks and Shakespeare. I was listening to one part and then reading a chapter from the book I had decided to finish for class. That kind of ran out in the middle of Neverland and by the time I started listening to Zagreus I was lying down in the dark hoping the feeling blah wouldn't turn into doomy head pounding. No luck.
And, also, just when I was starting to think Zagreus might actually start to make sense, the battery ran out.
Please, if it doesn't start to make sense at all, don't tell me. Let me hold on to my illusions at least as long as it takes to recharge.

My neighbours are loud and shouty.

The 8th Doctor is turning into one of my favourites. Which is kind of like having my universe rearranged. Your favourite Doctor is just one of those things you know. Being subject to change just floats everything, whoosh, all over the place.
... I'm strange, I admit this.
( Read more... )

sodding bastard headache
paracetamol, 1, 1415
urgh

also today I watched Scorpion King
after figuring out how to use the recorder box to cut out the advertising.
I need to get more precise at that, but it's pretty cool.
... I hardly ever watch anything that isn't off the BBC, so I rarely need the facility.

Scorpion King is fun. Big sword fights, with flaming swords! Bows and arrows and a couple of kabooms!
And one of those 'diversity yaay' casts and stories. I like.
Also the women are less naked than the men and everyone gets to kick arse. Also yaay.

Right now I'm copying it to disc, along with Tomb Raider. Because they don't both fit without changing the settings they'll only record as they play. So I'm watching Tomb Raider again.
It lacks plot but the action set pieces are fun. Bungee! Plus the bit where they kill the pretty guy to motivate the girl is yaay. And again, equal opportunity eye candy.

I think I'm going to go lie down in the dark again.

I really hate headaches.