beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
that was an unhelpful night of being awake and hoping to get to sleep
with a headache.

so I started to think of plot ingredients for a through the looking glass boarding school story, and just thoroughly creeped myself out by trying to remember what I found scary age eight.

though to be fair M R James has been scaring people of all ages for considerably longer than I've been around, so obviously that'll still work.

Read more... )

Ageing is weird. I can remember feeling basically quite capable and responsible and so forth, but I was tiny, and knew nothing. Like, I felt like me, but less depressed and actually more confident. I don't know what feeling like a kid is supposed to be, I always felt basically ready to have the kind of adventures where you save the world, with or without talking lions, and felt ready to be quite competent and accomplished and so forth.

and now here I am entirely aware of my ability to get lost in a town with basically one street, too baseline anxious to even try going anywhere any more.

this growing up lark feels like a bit of a swizz, really.

I guess the teacher point of view on nightmare looking glass world would just be the sinking knowledge that of course your assorted eight year olds would confidently set out to deal with it. that right there would be scary enough. and setting out to go get them back wouldn't feel like assorted big sisters trying it, neither.

it wouldn't be a case of too much imagination, it'd be too much plain old data.

knowing what can happen is a lot less fun than adventure books.

the plot bunny I started with was the one where it ends up with dream me marrying draco malfoy. but thinking about what would belong through the looking glass in a school, one in a converted stately home sort of thing, it could end up like Aral and Cordelia looking after the injured guy as they walk across the planet. like secret audition for parenting. but with runaway kids gone mirror strange.

you couldn't blast them with magic or solve problems with punching. you'd have to make them want to come back.

different spin on that making the house nice again plot in astolat fic. making it nice enough the children feel at home, and don't feel like monsters. or, you know, feel monstery but know we love them anyway. no objections to Addamses here. Be bitey wild things if they feel like it. the goal would be the not biting us.

it's the what do the kids do when they get back question, the why set up a school for returning children question, only with having to set out the stall to recruit them back, rather than making them regret it once they spontaneously return. like, sure you can do anything you want here, but if you come back to school then...

... hmm, tough pitch.

I hate headaches. I would much rather be asleep. or just staring at the ceiling without a headache.


Nov. 7th, 2013 07:10 pm
beccaelizabeth: Asleep; comic book Giles with his glasses off, asleep on a book (Giles sleepy)
Days when I spend more than 14 hours trying to get a night's sleep, starting at about 0400: *sigh*

The thing is, it's entirely reasonable for people to do DIY or do the vacuuming in daylight hours. I can see why people consider that perfect phone use time too, though I persist in not understanding why they phone every two hours without leaving a message. Even if this is some kind of sales thing, I can't see that being helpful.

But I can't avoid being nocturnal some weeks, and I can't turn off the rest of the world, or put it on mute.

This is why peace and quiet is expensive of course, because the people who have moving around sleep wake cycles aren't in the lower payed brackets at all. Oh, wait... :eyeroll:


On the plus side, it will be Friday takeaway and new episodes time quicker.
beccaelizabeth: lion Prince John sucks his thumb as his crown falls down (thumb)
everything is boring. jobs have to wait for most people to be awake, by which time I'm too tired to do anything. I'm tired a lot, but I can't make my sleep cycle shift any faster than it feels like.

tomorrow I have to interview two people for being my new assistant. I don't want to, because how am I supposed to figure out who is trustworthy and reliable and going to be interesting enough to spend all my outside the house hours with for the foreseeable future? and then I'll have to trust them and go places with them and hope they actually can stay alert enough to help with the staying safe parts. and also that they won't be annoying and will only help where it's actually needed. being an assistant is complicated and being an employer is complicated and I don't know which what anything ever *sulk*

but if I have no employee I don't leave the house and can't get to my interesting things and funnily enough everything is boring. always. forever.

so, okay, I shall employ someone and hope they're a decent human being.

actually at this point I hope someone actually turns up to be interviewed. last time I advertised for an employee I had many more applications, enough to sort through and find the most suitable, and then I invite many more than two people to interview at once, and then the first time only one person turned up. and then they quit swiftly because they decided they'd rather go places with their boyfriend than be employed. it's a lot of fuss bother to find someone who might casually refer to people as nutters and then cancel plans to go fly be free. and I'm a rubbish employer, I often not managing to go places anyway.

all difficult. sulk sulk sulk.

I need to be awake in the daytime so I can phone for help filling in a form that needs doing. also so I can phone college about graduation and if the ticket limit also includes carers. because that would be a problem. there's only two tickets allowed each. blah.

there are other things need doing but so far I'm stuck on 'make plan grid to say what needs doing', which is never a helpful place to be stuck.

also 'get laundry out the machine zomg its not difficult just hang it up to dry and be done with it why always the forgetting it for ages'. I shall post this and do that then. *facepalm*
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
So. I am done with college. Read more... )

I need to think of something. Almost anything. A plan.

Read more... )

What else, what else... Quest Shop and/or Tavern, Space Colony (in training), and...

I spend the most time thinking about being on a superhero team. Read more... )

Okay, plans: Make World Work Like In Stories, because I don't suck at stories. Also in stories I don't has to be humans anyway.

That can totally work, right?
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I keep reading fic where there's the Avengers and then some SHIELD agent sent to supervise or liaise with them. Usually Coulson, given the / I read.

I do not keep finding fic where Natasha and Clint are the SHIELD agents sent to supervise and liaise with the rest of the Avengers.

But we know Natasha was sent to assess potential personnel, and Clint was sent to go stare at sensitive projects to see if they're going wrong. So those are jobs that they do. Already. For SHIELD.

Yet in fic it's Avengers vs SHIELD, sometimes with Coulson in the middle. Sometimes Avengers all being mad at Fury for lying about Coulson's death, Read more... )

(This ramble brought to you by my neighbours having a smoke alarm thing at two in the morning. Thanks. so much.)
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I have been trying to get to sleep for two hours and ended up in my head talking to TV execs about an Avengers TV series which they had made a pilot for and were totally messing up. They'd cast me as a 25 year old skinny person who made eye contact, it was horrible. ... my insomniac ramblings, they quickly become epic rants on cultural studies topics such as representations of disability in heroic fiction, even when my mary sue self could be spending those hours daydreaming on being awesome kick arse Avenger dating the whole team except Thor.

ANYway, I don't think the whole internet would be interested in much of that.

But we're going to have a SHIELD TV series, which will be kin to an Avengers series but distinctly different, so it's interesting to me at least to wonder: what will be the central question to explore in such a show?

Read more... )

The show that I would make would maybe not so much be the show that's likely to happen.

But there's interesting opportunities for asking who are the good guys and what their relation to structures of power is or should be.

I'd kind of like to be a better writer so I could answer such questions in the form of kick arse fiction, but at best for that I would require much practice.

Fanfic answers such questions while galloping past them looking at the pretty white guys shagging. I mean, not so often does fanfic get stuck in on questions other than will they won't they, but somewhere in the background is an implied answer. And sometimes it makes me tad bit uncomfortable, reading happy snuggly romantic fiction about an assassin and the guy who aims him at (exactly what kind of) enemies.

... mostly though I just like the epic trust oasis effect and carry on reading until the Happily Ever After.

Or, in this case, I go back to trying to get to sleep.
... is possibly slight bit metaphoric right there...
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I have complained a lot about current government policies on benefits. All parties are trying to crack down and get tough on welfare recipients, means test them and send them to do compulsory work and suchlike. All the major parties seem to agree that making people work is the important thing.

I say, bugger that.

How about everyone gets enough to live on. Everyone. No strings, no means test, no messing about. (Some ability test, because disabled people need more to live on.) Once everyone no longer has to worry about making a living, see what happens.

Read more... )

Economy no works no mores. Eats up multiples of a planet, and we only have the one. Leaves many many many unemployed, because they aren't actually needed to keep everyone alive.

So now what?

Keep everyone alive and see what they do with it.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I went to bed. My neighbours were super extra noisy. Read more... )

So I am not rested, but my chance of sleep is kind of worn off.


mild what?

May. 12th, 2012 02:04 pm
beccaelizabeth: When you say words a lot they don't mean anything.  Or maybe they don't mean anything anyway and we just think they do. (Delirium)
Am still awake. Am aiming at staying awake long enough that if I get eight hours sleep I'll wake up on Sunday. That will mean Saturday is a complete write off. And I haven't finished my essays.
No work should be done on essays after I've been awake around the clock. That just would not end well.

ANYways, was looking for things to read on Ao3.
Found someone tagged something 'mild cross-dressing'.
So now I'm wondering what they think they mean. Like, is it if the guy's wearing a kilt and a t-shirt that's secretly in ladies' sizes? Maybe wearing something under their uniform? Or... actually I can't think of or. What?

... oh great, now my plot bunnies are interested...

Tags are helpful and informative, but not necessarily the ways the author meant. like, if someone tags everything with 'vague xyz' or 'something like defg' or 'sort of k' then whatever the alphabet soup is, it gets massively less tempting. I mean, if you can't even tag it clearly, how did you write it?

Writers don't make stuff as fast as I could read it.
Fair enough.
Logically I could read many other things instead.

... yet I keep poking the archive for more like that only different.

I need an icon that's sort of bzuh.
Maybe some icons that are not Torchwood, given the ongoing not watching of the latest eps.
But I think the sleepy Giles and the bored Blue Beetle are the icons I use the most, and I'm not sure I even watched the cartoon BB in the first place.

Okay, I'll go be bored somewhere else and try and stay awake some more.

So bored

May. 12th, 2012 05:17 am
beccaelizabeth: Blue Beetle, Ted Kord, cartoon style, bored, using one of those bats with the ball attached. (Blue Beetle)
This time I managed to stay attempting sleep for four hours.
Didn't noticeably help.

The thing is, usually I could just say it's the weekend and ignore my sleep cycle, but this weekend is The Greatest Show in the Galaxy and my employee is booked to get me there on Sunday. Employee cannot do Saturday and so neither can I. And I don't know how far my budget will stretch when autographs cost bunches each. But anyway, booked, planned, sorted.
Involves getting up in the morning.
So my ongoing inability to sleep at night is highly inconvenient.

I might end up going on zero sleep.
I've done college like that. It's trippy. Plus I'm sure employee will stop me walking out in front of cars.

... life would be so much simpler if sleep worked as advertised.

And also waking up.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I got actual sleep last night. Mostly because of the headache that made lying down in the dark necessary. And the actual sleep started well after 0100 and ended at 0630. But, sleep! And then I woke up before my alarm. Er, every twenty minutes before my alarm after about 0500. But that was efficient. And the morning lesson isn't a lesson it's tutorials and mine isn't until 1000. So I'm like half an hour early.

On the minus side I didn't finish the critical commentary first draft to show the teacher, but, I can live with that.

And it is the last day of lessons. After this there's only electronic submission of assignments and maybe getting them back again with a chat. No more turning up at 0900 and staying until 1700. Which I was very bad at. Last day makes it all easier.
beccaelizabeth: Asleep; comic book Giles with his glasses off, asleep on a book (Giles sleepy)
I went to bed at about 10pm
I didn't get to sleep right away
and by the time I checked my clock again it was 2am and I'd been awake long enough to be really, really bored.

I hear sleep is necessary for humans
and yet.

and I can't miss college this week because it's tell us how to do the assignment week.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Read more... )

Okay, so I wrote all that but it boils down to: another Monday.
beccaelizabeth: lion Prince John sucks his thumb as his crown falls down (thumb)
So it turns out I didn't go to college.
I had planned to, but then it was 1450 and I had ten minutes to get to class from Dereham.

I did email the Short Story teacher with a proper explain of why I chose that story, but she emailed me back to say we will do studying it after Easter holiday, so that weren't useful.

On the plus side, the undelivery that was meant to happen yesterday happened today, which I would have missed if I'd done as I planned.

On the minus side I still haven't slept because either it don't work or stuff interrupts.

and I just said I weren't going to the pub tonight either.

so today is a bit of a fail.


Mar. 28th, 2012 03:18 am
beccaelizabeth: Asleep; comic book Giles with his glasses off, asleep on a book (Giles sleepy)
I went to bed with plenty of time to get 8 hours sleep before I get up for college.
So what am I doing awake at three in the morning? Again? After being awake since at least 0130?

And every week I have to run this maths, have I had enough sleep to function properly. That answer is almost always no. So then there's have I had enough sleep to function safely. I can never figure that one out. How much sleep does one need and how much awake gets dodgy after only four hours sleep? I mean I'm pretty sure I could stay awake through my 0900 lesson, but I'm meant to be at college 9 to 5 today, and I'm going to be wrecked by five if I don't get more sleep.

But lying there staring at the ceiling was not resulting in more sleep, so I stare at the internet instead.

I also have to add to the calculations things like, Read more... )
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
So, while finding myself browing religious clothing for the bazillionth time, to go with my collection of pictures of chalices and fonts (of the sort that go in churches, though I collected the sort that go in word processing for ages too), and altars and wall hangings, and church doors and windows, and and and and stuff, I realised, mostly, in fandom, when we dress ourselves up and put ourselves in the story, we do not do so in the capacity of Reverend.

Seriously, self, what up with that?

Read more... )

I think I need to watch different stories. Deciding evil needs to go boom and maybe scream a lot just doesn't seem quite right any more.

So in my head I invent churches.

Maybe it would be of more practical use to go to churches, and do learning, and maybe find out how to be helpful.

At the very least I could then put it in a script.

Just as soon as I figure out how to make it interesting.

I mean they're interesting to me, I spend ages rewriting universes so they (a) fit together and (b) turn into alliances based on everyone being terribly nice to each other, but based on how many stories go out of their way to make sure nobody really communicates and everybody has the emotional stability of the average teenager I suspect that a story based on people coming together and negotiating in good faith would have an aesthetic the world is not quite on board with.

Negotiation can be sexy. The internet has checklists and stuff.

Possibly not so much when it's negotiating for grain shipments though, even if the same principles apply.

I like my intergalactic empire though. One of me does politics with the General and defends the Earth a lot, one of me does politics in the House of Lords and gets to tell everyone off a lot and have tea with the Queen even if I would vote to get rid of her, one of me gets Lord Ba'al to play nice (partly because of my excellent persuasion and partly because of the bit of the story I'm embarrassed about where it's always about the right princess turning the bad guy good), one of me goes to Atlantis as a Reverend and gets cloned again to be a journalist too, and we do time travel and organise everything neatly and make many different colonies that all function brilliantly and trade with each other and get along great.

... I used to just daydream pretty cottages, but a lifetime of chronic insomnia dreams a little bigger.

But I spend most of my daydream time on stuff I wouldn't even vaguely try and put in books.
It's sort of puzzling.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Once again, it is lessons day, and once again, I must decide if I actually turn up.
I think I've been awake since 5pm yesterday. That would make it pretty stupid to go to lessons where I'll get home around 5pm.
But I did go back to bed and at least doze for some hours before midnight. So maybe I've only been up since midnight. I don't know. I wasn't paying that much attention.
I'm feeling fine right now. Not sleepy. I spent two hours before 0700 trying to get to sleep. I have 100 pages of the set text still to read because I decided to try and sleep instead. Sleep has had a chance.
I missed last week. I can't miss this week. Two weeks in a row would be very unhelpful. Plus, since we have two of the same lessons in a day, its like missing 4 lessons in a row.
So I'm going to go. And get the bus home right to my building. And hope things work out in the between bits.

Sleep is very inefficient and I wish it worked better.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
you know, I hope whichever neighbour building it is with the alarm going off isn't actually burning down or something, or I'm going to feel really bad about ignoring and/or hating it so much.
Of course the lack of smoke or flameyness and the quite pleasant day with no running and screaming in it suggest it really is just an alarm.

I have not been replying promptly to comments lately, partly because my day is divided into two sets of hours, (a) hours I would quite like to be sleeping and end up staring at the ceiling a lot and (b) hours where my neighbours think it is time to be awake. Those hours cover the whole clock. And then I end up asleep in a choppy sort of way and then awake all night again. And then it's now.

I need to go shopping, or at least order stuff online, but that would involve being awake at a set time, or being awake enough to cross roads even, and that really isn't about to happen in the immediate future.

By Wednesday I need to be awake between 10am and 4 or 5 pm at least. That could be a problem. But I already missed Friday and do not wish to miss any more.

This week is also social time again. The odds of involvement are not looking good.

I read about people who can fall asleep as soon as they decide it is sleep time.
To be honest, I find it easier to believe in spaceships.

ETA: Now there is a fire engine. If there is an actual fire that's remarkably slow of them. I'm pretty sure the alarm has been going half an hour. Its been 20 minutes since I posted. But, now there are flashy lights to go with the alarm. On the plus side they cut the siren once they got here.

I am obviously concerned for my fellow humans, its just we get a lot more alarms than fires, even when we get a lot of fires.

ETA2: and the weird thing is, while I recognised the sounds of the fire engine backing away, I didn't notice exactly when the really loud fire alarm shut up. But it has now. So presumably even if something was burning it isn't any more. Yaay.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Guys that are awkward in expressing themselves, not really talkative, or have a tendency to launch into a detailed allegory instead of actually just saying things might, possibly, suddenly get fluent and direct once they're naked, but mostly? They're supposed to still be the same people. They can't all start spouting the same dirty talk. It's like someone put a tape on in the background, total disconnect, anti sexy.
... although actually I can think of interesting sexy-audio-tape possibilities too, but that's not my point.
My point: one size does not fit all. One voice sure as hell doesn't.
beccaelizabeth: Blue Beetle, Ted Kord, cartoon style, bored, using one of those bats with the ball attached. (Bored)
the trouble with not sleeping is it is very, very boring. I have exactly the same amount to do as always, I have two untouched library books, six articles downloaded off Blackboard, and a film script in my head that might possibly be a novel but either way is just about done brewing and I could start to type. I even have a majority of the names. But if I start doing that I'm (a) not studying and, importantly right now, (b) not sleeping.

Read more... )

But then I try and think up a better plan and... *big shrugs*

Whatever I do, it will still involve a very great many nights like this, staring at the dark, wondering where to get to sleep.
beccaelizabeth: fizzgig from The Dark Crystal is having a shouty tantrum made of sharp teeth. (tantrum)
I went to bed at 10pm. It is now 0440. In the morning. And I did not sleep. Do you know how boring that is? Very boring. Very boring indeed.

I now have an hour and a quarter to get eight hours sleep before college, and I'm not even remotely sleepy.

I'm cold, annoyed, cold, irritated, cold, and quite a lot wound up, but not in fact sleepy.

See this is what happens when I attempt to have a routine of going to sleep in the night time. I spend hours and hours that could otherwise be filled with interesting and/or productive just lying there. Which clearly doesn't work. At all. Even a little.

I need a new plan.

Kind of in general.

My plan for today is obvious: I'm calling it off. College can happen without me. There is no way it is safe to go out in the ice and cold and possible snow when I've had an entire lack of sleep and am therefor wobbly to start with. Possibly if I get sleep in the morning I can wake up at lunch time and head for afternoon lessons. Or not. I don't care.

... I care a bit, because I actually like learning things and doing lessons and having days when I end up with more knowings than I started with.

But today I had only being awake in the dark for lots of hours. So. All other plans are stuffed.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Dear Subconscious: I have an alarm clock, it doesn't spontaneously reset itself, and therefor there is no need to wake me up in a panic every freaking half hour to check the flipping time. All night. After being unable to get to sleep for 4 hours to start with. And the nightmares where I'd forgot to go to college were no help at all. And the one about the surprise exam where they made your answers REALLY BIG and marked them with red pen and put them up on the wall was not even particularly relevant this week.

I'm bored, I'm tired, I'm awaiting my allergy pills working, and I already wish to start this day over again. Only different. With sleep in it.

Okay, having notified the internet, I'm over it. Time to get ready for the day.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Sleep no work so good. Read more... )

I keep juggling elements in my magic-comes-back series I think is my summer script. Like, what if magic always worked all the time, but everyone uses mana up all the time and not everyone can funnel it to being useful, so what ended up happening was more people = less magic? Then it logically wouldn't work in the city but would work away from people. Except then there's a lack of 'back' in that idea. Stick with the genetic testing + spells on the internet idea.

What does a spell look like? In the rule book there are gestures with feet, gestures with hands, verbal components, and physical components. Physical components are optional in GURPS, they change the flavour, make it more like weird science. Alchemy needs Stuff, but magic spells can be cast with gestures and words. And that works better for a TV show anyway.

The recent Spirit Warriors show had to make a lot of different magic visible and audible. There was a bit of glowy light chucked around, but the ones with the sensory powers were a little bit harder to manage. They used a circle of reflections in eyes to show someone was using sight power, and they made echoey voices for the hearing powers. But the fun stuff was all the martial arts magic. Gestures with feet and hands = kick arse martial arts moves. Excellent.

But if you need what amounts to dance then how can a physically disabled person do the spells?
... but if you need to gesture some complex words or spin around in a circle with your feet not touching the floor there's some advantages of practice going on there...

So my story which is about diversity, all the magnificent variety of humanity, will require the gestures and words... in the usual way of doing things. And then our rejects squad, not taken up in the government magic program, would be ones that don't do some of that, maybe ones that can't - a mage who stutters has serious problems with verbal components, until they learn to sign them. A mage with no feet can't do the same moves, but they find a way around that. And here's where it's not a magic disability story, not a compensatory superpowers or my friend the inspirational glowy pure being, because their disabilities get in the way of doing magic too, and they have to do it sideways and figure out how to help each other around the tricksy bits.

So there would be people who do the full TV friendly dance with glowing lights and mystery words... but they wouldn't be who the story is about. They'd be a template we'd diverge from.

... which means we must show the template. And also make it look all stiff and formal and constraining. Because the good thing is having more ways to do it.

(PS you know British Sign Language? Do you think there was Sumerian Sign Language? How would we know?)
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
The frustrating thing about my Super Awesome Presentation Idea, the one where I complain book Holmes with recent movie Holmes and the ideology shifts the differences imply, is I would have lots and lots and lots to talk about, if only it actually fit the assignment. So my current plan is to think up the lots and lots and lots, take only the half that's about Holmes in the books, and only secretly have the other half in my head and not out loud at all. And this will work, probably. But the best marks are available for analysing texts we haven't covered in class. I'll have to hope a short story not from the Adventures will count. Or, of course, loop back around to having an entirely different Super Awesome Presentation Idea, which has been happening several times a day.

*waves hello*

I went to bed 5 hours ago. Read more... )

So now it is nearly midnight and I am tired plus tired and I'm on the internet in the hopes that YouTube or my saved files can clear out my brain enough I can actually sleep at some point relatively soon.

I will probably end up making plants kill zombies again.

The music on that is soothingly repetitive.
beccaelizabeth: Asleep; comic book Giles with his glasses off, asleep on a book (Giles sleepy)
Disrupted sleep patterns are really boring. Read more... )
I should probably go back to not actually sleeping now. Even if it's quite likely I'll still not be asleep in a couple of hours. Because... humans need sleep and students need awake in the lesson times.

Except my current plan doesn't actually have that result.



beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)

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