beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I have read Down Among the Sticks and Bones
I am still thinking on what I thought of it. It ended sooner than I wanted, and was about different things, and I might have to read it again for the book it was instead of the one I wanted it to be.
But it is in large part about a character who ends up obsessed with being clean, which is a feel I know, and it made my fingers have black speckles. This is not optimal. I have washed twice already and will wash again when I post this.

Books don't usually do that.

Maybe I shouldn't have taken the picture cover off.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
sometimes I think about how long it has been since humans could see further than line of sight. in generations, in evolutionary time, it's a blink.

And I think about the sheer number of humans we're surrounded with now. I mean, that's gone up so much in my lifetime, let alone across the last century or so. Humans are sincerely not used to this, to passing thousands of people, to knowing a tiny bit about seven billion.

So when I see something in the news and hear about bad things, I get so wound up, and it makes perfect sense. If that was happening close enough I could see it without a camera and had those kinds of numbers hurt in the era of tiny villages, that would be affecting like everyone I even knew. I mean if judging just by people I see regular or talk to, probably still would be.

Getting jumpy is pretty rational, if that's the size of things.

But the world has changed, and tech has changed, and scale is a whole new thing now.

So now I have to talk my jumpy system into the concept 'nothing to do with me' when it is really and sincerely not wired for it.

And it feels bad, because shouldn't we feel bad about bad things?

Except no, is not doing any good, actually.

*sigh*


My tiny small Sunday actually only included moving a few more things around on a few more shelves, doing a bit of cleaning, and reading some stuff. Nothing worth the stress. And my feelings, bad or otherwise, do absolutely nothing to the world outside my head, so I don't need to feel things about feeling them in the first place. So I shall feel calm, eventually, because only calm things are actually happening right here.



... but humans are not quite wired for this, and it all goes complicated.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
ugh, nightmares.
I had to cancel yesterday because I hadn't slept, and now I've managed five and a half hours sleep in inconvenient pieces
full of Prison Break nightmares which seem unfair given I don't even watch it
some mess of chemical mind control and being in prisons and the whole thing being run by bad men
and in the middle of it all philosophical ponderings that people like stories that bring the world and its power plays down to a scale they can wrap their heads around, and then up the stakes until the while world hangs on it.

which, yeah, but I'd still quite like a good night's sleep, actually, and maybe to feel rested instead of blergh.

My anxiety levels have actually dropped a bit about this LJ thing but are still on the kind of high alert that feels further action is necessary before things get worse
but with these givens it isn't because not signing what I can't agree with so all done

I'm philosophically unprepared fr all done bye bye, even when nobody has been posting over there anyway.

oh well.



On the plus side I didn't dream Legends of Tomorrow.

The bits of the finale that made it to where I could see them were a teensy bit rough for someone that's there for Captain Cold and Heatwave.

Read more... )



Honestly I'm kind of glad what I wanted Mick and Len for is a secondary world fantasy au they grow up in. Canon can't bork that and if I break them I can fix them.



I'm not best pleased about being awake right now.





Also, not all anxiety is because of tv and lj. RL in the tiny proximate sense rolls along as per usual, but reading the news is really tense. Why politicians want to drive us off a cliff I don't know, but it's kind of distressing.

I should go and eat a food and feel different later.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I would like to be helpful

but I do not know how

and especially do not know what to say.

I mean things that have helped me include meditate, but there are many times when it is annoying to ask if someone likes to meditate. Like, it does not magic away all problems. Or many problems, really.

But it’s supposed to be a set of techniques for seeing what is going on with you. Like Resource Monitor but for the inside of your head? And if you get the hang of one of the pretty bits then you can make a nicer place in your head to hang out in.

So like guided visualisation isn’t going to fix actual housing problems, but it can make the inside of your head better decorated, maybe.

Read more... )

But then I don’t want to suggest it to other people because clearly it’s like a little paintbrush like for portraits, when you’re trying to get all the leaves from autumn tidied away sometimes. It’s not an everything sort of tool.

But it’s a nice place in your head when it works.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Sometimes the inside of my head is like riding a unicycle. ... not that I can do that, but. The precarious balance.
It's like if I fall one way there is Feeling Of Impending Doom, with a side for Everything Is Secretly Wrong, and somewhere back there I Am Awful, and I guess other stuff on other angles. But I can see it all there, and as long as I keep very very correctly going, I can wobble along, only in fear of impending mental health collapse, rather than actually landing in it.

Which is to say my good mood has lasted all week, which is excellent, but increasingly effortful.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I'm having the kind of days where staring at the ceiling for a couple of hours, checking the internet, then doing the staring thing again
somehow takes up the whole day
while seeming pretty reasonable.

I mean I'm watching less than an episode a day and taking two days to read a children's book and staring at my Ao3 Marked for Later list in an unenthused way somewhere in there too, but activity levels are definitely at a minimum.

And the last three years since college seem to have been a dizzy blur of that too.



I think I should start writing a book just for something to do.

... which I have been thinking for some years now.



I don't know, it's taking me at least half an hour between deciding to get a drink and actually getting out of my chair to get a drink, writing a book is proportionately harder. maybe i'll get started any day now.


I'd call it an attack of the whats it all about reallys when you get right down to its, but that implies a bunch more thinking than seems to occur.



Still, whining about it on the internet is unlikely to help either.

*wanders off*
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Today I stayed awake and decided on an activity for long enough to actually listen to an entire Doctor Who audio
thus beating the very low bar set by yesterday.

It was a bit boring but that happens.



I need to find something I find even vaguely motivating.
Read more... )
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I'm all tired and stressy now, because the world keeps making Noises from quite early in the morning, and it's annoying.

Also because books.

I mean, when I buy a book new, I often research it a little, I buy from recs lists, I maybe know the author already, and I have some idea what I'm getting. Or, you know, I run out of book and pick up something with a nice cover. Either works sometimes.

But these 500ish books I inherited... looking them up hasn't been very helpful. Somehow people reviewing old books don't feel the need to mention the underage noncon parts. Trigger warnings like woah, yet never mentioned. And whatever the reviewers are looking for in a book, star rating does nothing helpful either, because wildly not matching my opinions thus far. So what am I left with? Reading one at random and hoping. And thus far? That has been stressful, and intermittently ugly.

But when I decide a thing, like that a whole author's work is just blah so far so I may as well send a foot of books away at once, well that's stressful too. Because what if secretly six inches down the stack there's a book that would change my life? You never know.

And never mind that a bare handful of these things meet my basic reading criteria in the first place - the ones by women I have mostly read already, some of them thirty years ago. The ones about women are... rare, and frequently poorly labelled. The epic and blatant sexism is really difficult to get away from if I'm going to read those decades. There's so many stacks of books where they don't even make sense because women are just moved around like dolls, be the girlfriend now, ignore all the reasons not to, who knows how women think? Ugh. Or women are there to think about babies. Or the basic failure of imagination that is projecting tens of thousands of years into the future while preserving the systemic sexism of stereotyped media of the 1950s, ignoring even the reality of the 40s which they ought to have known about, and writing well into later decades. The simple assumption that doctors are men and nurses are women? How do they even get stuck thinking that, let alone deciding it's true of a future so far away it's multiples of humanity's entire written record out?

And the racism... jeez, the basic difference in assumptions about what's polite, or how you talk about humans. It boggles the mind. The times the writer is apparently trying to be nice about someone they've known a really long time, but all they're telling the ages is they were a little colored woman servant... I mean typing that feels wrong, but they were clearly sad of them and trying to be nice about them. So do you adjust your brain filters? It leaves a feeling like tripping over the steps every time. And then there's the times people are trying to be helpful and positive but they just end up with stereotypes like strong blacks or subtle orientals.

The basic idea that people are people are people, all of them just as much people as the straight white male manly man protagonist, well, that's ... that's advanced stuff, apparently.

So then I think, how about I skip the sixties. How about I leave the seventies alone for a while. The eighties can keep. Possibly I could just leave the books be until I've read some things I actually like for a bit. That would be nice.

... and then I get all anxious, because who knows, I might be skipping something important!

*facepalm*



I know I'm making progress. I know I've sent away entire bags full of books, shelf feet at a time. I know I am keeping books that will be an interesting collection to refer back to in the future.

... it's just making me really anxious, because what if?

*sigh*



Onwards.

And maybe upwards.

I mean, considering some of the stuff I've read lately, TV and film tie-ins from the 90s onwards are looking like literature, because already they have characters I could like and some borders on the situations they'll put them in that on the whole I can live with.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
a) a low key panic thing that kept me awake until around 0500 while at the same time making me feel stupid for not being able to relax. Like, if it's full on arrgharrgh skyisfalling then I'm well aware that sleep isn't going to happen until it stops, but it was just a lot of little things that I felt I ought to be able to stop. And indeed looking up each individual celebrity to check they haven't died since last time I looked did stop that branch of panic. But it didn't just shut up until the early hours.

b) answering the door when I've just woken up. I'm reasonably sure I remembered to dress decent, I know I put the robe on, I just am left with lingering doubts and no clear enough memory to dispel them.

c) a tiny little headache that won't go away or seem enough to take a painkiller about

d) pain in my back that is mostly gone until it isn't

e) my chairs I spent money on being a couple inches too tall for me, and the chair that is the right height being all wood and no soft, so there's nowhere proper to sit.

Obviously I can fix e by buying more chairs, but the new chairs were supposed to be the nice sit on them chairs, and they weren't, so I need to try before I buy, and it's just... ugh, so much do, not enough done.

f) I did the difficult part of contacting people yet they are still not replying. Obviously 24 hours is a very short time for replyings. But I did all the getting brave and writing emails, I get all wound up about it, and then I stay a bit wound up until they reply. And possibly beyond, if they reply to say they don't do what needs doing, and I have to start again again with finding people. Honestly, I want to spend money for services, why so difficult?





But in good things the parcel that arrived was the rest of my bravissimo things so I should have enough to wear without laundry breaks now, and I ate a food with a vegetable, and my day didn't have anything in it anyway so my minor not functioning didn't actually break anything, and I own a bunch of books and read a bunch of fanfics. ... fanfics are making me want to buy all the seasons of Leverage even though I didn't keep watching Leverage because Nate. I would like to stare at Eliot. Probably I will buy the DVDs. But DVDs are a different shopping trip than I have planned for tomorrow, so, not yet.



Meanwhile in real politics land I am legit scared about votings and so forth. I mean I know it's only my mental illness that goes from referendum to maybe another war, but, I am also scared of logical consequences, because I don't understand the economy or what a drop in GDP would mean in big numbers, but I do understand money is tight all round already and bumps would be bad. I also understand from reading many articles the role of European workers in social care, ie they are often turning up and doing social care jobs nobody else is applying for. The sector is stretched already, if we make it more difficult it's going to be serious problems for disabled people. Also the Leave people keep on being rude and shouty and I fear what would happen if they were power.

As for American politics... scary without possibility of influence is not good.



This is why I watch a lot of TV. Specifically this is why I watch a lot of Doctor Who. I have no idea how to solve real problems, but the Doctor will fix whatever it is by the end of the story, so I can actually cope with that.


:eyeroll:



Okays, the internet is not very interested in this post, I shall go do something else.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
My head is Not Okay today. It's very annoying. It's not like days when there's something wrong and I can fix it. There's clearly nothing wrong that isn't always wrong and it's not even that I'm specifically down about any of the things I have had no success at fixing. It's just my head. Being Not Okay.

Blergh.

I've been feeling about like I usually do when the vacuum cleaner is out, only I've been feeling it since shortly after I woke up. And I really sincerely have to use teh vacuum cleaner today, on top of feeling like this already. Ugh.

Okay. Shall do vacuuming. Then it will be done.

Aaaaany minute now.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Fixing Things Day shall be rescheduled for tomorrow/wednesday.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
It is December, and everyone is shutting down and going on leave for the holidays.
Which is lovely for them, obviously, but it means I have not even the slightest chance of support until January 5th.
I still get the cleaner. This year xmas has not interrupted the cleaner. I am very glad of this.
But everything else? Give up until 2015.

Not that I have 'support' anyway, I have some nice people at a charity willing but not on the whole able to go with me to view houses.

I really, really, really miss when I had an employee.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
so today it took me 3 hours to work up to the idea I should actually get out of bed.
and that's after sleeping until 11 when I aim for 9.


see the basic problem is I have nowhere to go and nothing to do
and even at risk of nightmares being asleep is very likely to be the most interesting part of my day.

I should probably fix that.




... if I had ideas for fixing that it would not take 3 hours to bother to get out of bed.



people call disabled people scroungers and act like sitting around in your flat all day would be the best thing ever.
I grant that there are many forms of employment that are both boring and unpleasant, up to and including injuring and painful
but
bored now.

very.



this is very stupid and annoying.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I get cranky about stuff lately and it's pissing me off. Which obviously leads to a crankiness spiral. Which is unhelpful.

It's things where I can see systemic inequality and oppression in real life in the present day here and now, but everyone around me seems to be attributing things to individual causes and coincidence, or implying that it's not really bad because over there in the distant past or far off places, that's the real bad things.

So a novel that turns out to be about sci fi slavery kind of pisses me off because you don't need to literally reprogram and meat puppet people when you can keep them scrabbling for scraps while heavily in debt and trying to live on zero hour contracts somewhere the minimum wage isn't enough to get by on.

And novels about oppressed monotheists in a polytheist society would only not piss me off it they had kinda muslim trappings, but no, it's always secretly oppressed xtians.

And yesterday I got in a pub discussion about systemic inequalities in education and (though I didn't fully articulate this) how capitalism and economic pressures leads to the convergence of media companies into monopolies which control every level of production and distribution, all adding together to mislead voters even before you factor in how money is deliberately going back into the political process to systematically campaign on false premises. I stopped because we were there to talk about science fiction, but I started because someone made a joke about stupid Americans and then wouldn't let it drop. Apparent stupidity and ignorance has a whole lot to do with systems. You can't just call an individual stupid and make out like it's their individual problem with an individual solution. All the solutions cost money, resources, and time, and systems collude to make sure most people don't have those.

Access to information is a hugely political topic. People not knowing stuff is not just about the choices of that individual person.

Nothing is just about the choices of that individual person! People exist within systems and their actions contribute to those systems, whether they consciously will it or not!

And yeah, I go to media texts looking for things to be annoyed at. Eleven years of further and higher education have kind of got me in the habit. Because once you open your eyes to it, sexism, racism, and all the other ugly isms are sodding everywhere.

Someone yesterday was arguing the 'it's just the best person for that role' angle about Dead Bro Walking trope. Yeah all the black guys die but it's just because individually they were the best actor for the role of screaming dying person. How can anyone actually believe that and not see how it adds up?

Also, I feel it is derailing and irrelevant to start picking apart my pub level accuracy on quoting media creators, when I was trying to list dead lesbians in TV shows. The problem here isn't precisely what is said about dead lesbians, it is that all the fictional lesbians are in fact dead. I feel it reasonable to be annoyed about that. And again they argued the 'best character for the role' angle, that just coincidentally the TV show went and brought in these characters to kill them off and it has nothing to do with them being lesbians. Even if that's now 100% of the lesbians dead, that's just luck.

And I'm not arguing that content creators sit there all *evil laugh* and pick a minority to kill off this week. That's what's always being defended against, as if that's an invisible accusation, and it's entirely irrelevant. What they thought they were doing isn't the point. The point is there's a whole lot of dead bros and dead lesbians, and that is a problem. They're a bunch of individual choices of best for that five minutes that somehow coincidentally adds up to meaning black guys and lesbians are all killed off. Which is creepy and bad.

Also, if the problem is dead lesbians, pointing out how many strong women there are on a show is also irrelevant. Unless they're dating each other, they are not the current point.

And I am so wound up and frustrated about this stuff.

And it feels like it's all of a piece, like people are trained into thinking things one at a time, attributing things to individual one off choices, and not looking at the systems and aggregates and big picture.

And I know that sitting there telling them elsewise four at a time is very nearly no help at all but
I'm
just
so
cranky.



I can see so many problems, I know there's more problems I don't see, and I can't see how to get other people to see it let alone solve it.



And this is without getting into the sort of real world problems with a real world body count. Those are just horrifying and terrifying and leave me somewhere between really angry and awful hollow.


Especially the science based stuff. It's really quite a large problem when science can spend my whole adult life pointing at something and saying with some authority 'unless we do the thing we are going to die' and yet we don't do the thing. Humans are actually killing the whole planet. We could well render it uninhabitable. We're causing a mass extinction event and the Earth, as a whole, may not survive it. This is a problem.

And my individual choices for doing anything about said problem are... limited.



I mean I'm sitting here somewhere all western educated industrialised rich developed, with all those years of degree behind me, in a position of in some respects massive privilege, in one of the countries eating the world. But I don't see how to stop just by changing my individual consumer choices. They're not enough of the problem to make much of the solution. I don't know how to get at the levers. So I'm benefiting from systems of power and oppression, but feel pretty powerless to stop them or get out of the train, so to speak.

... this is why I daydream about space colonies. new place, new systems. also, my author brain knows that the point of the story will turn out to be that even in a new place humans are still human so we'll have to deal with our shit or live with it longer, and the suddenly concentrated nature of society would highlight everything.




Plus of course I feel powerless to do anything because I'm disabled and have had no support for a year and a half and it is in fact bloody difficult to do anything. Including shopping. Or the house viewings that are part of the plan to get me somewhere I can cope with better.

And then I feel weird about what I am getting that other people don't, like I should be guilty about having plus stuff, except I'm kind of stuck with the bits i'm not getting, and then it's all problem and no solution.



Everything all problem no solution.

Massive collective action is only way to make changes.

Except I've seen massive actions, protests, all sorts, and it don't seem to do any good.




So then I hide under a blanket and play Sims a lot.
beccaelizabeth: fizzgig from The Dark Crystal is having a shouty tantrum made of sharp teeth. (tantrum)
Why do people who know me and my disabilities still insist on using the phone?
I cannot brain on the phone.
And I lose bits of the conversation.

Writing is much better.

Why will people not put things in writing when they said they would?
It's just answering an email!
If they've got the things in writing at their end then how can it be harder to email them?
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Due to reasons of being a crazy person I am a little apprehensive about the remaining time before my birthday.
At some point in my youth I ... I was going to say decided, but it felt more like realised, because crazy: I started thinking I was going to die age 36.
This was back when I was doing tarot and casting stones and trying to learn astrology and basically big into the idea that the future was predictable. I think bad predictable was more appealing than chaos.
So here I am, the day before my 37th birthday, and I'm much less crazy now so I'm not actually freaked out like I thought I would be, but, I'm also planning to stay inside and do nice safe things until after my birth minute tomorrow. Because you never know.
... and I realise being wrong by a minute/hour/day would also be funny, so, this one isn't going to wear off entirely until after the weekend.

:eyeroll:

My birthday is of course Doctor Who day, so that's nice.

Any plans to do more and interesting things are waiting on it not being bank holiday weekend, and my back not hurting. My back is probably a bit better today, but it definitely hurts. Which is irritating.

After my birthday I'll need plans for the next 36 years. Or the next year. One of those.
The buying a house plan is a bit helpful but then I need plans for what to actually do once I live in it.
Assuming that house plan ever works, cause it do take time.

I was thinking that last time I looked it up I could join the UEA library without actually being a student. So then I could go choose interesting looking academic books and do self directed studying. Studying what I was told to got really annoying, but maybe it would be more interesting if I decide which what to do?

There's also the Forum library, which has a great many books with a library card I already have. Read all the things.

There's book clubs at the Forum, so that's nice. I realise in theory I could be going to them now, but due to bus shenanigans I'd have to either wait an hour and a bit at the bus station on my own late at night, or spend £25 on a taxi. Also going to new things alone is difficult. But if I was already in Norwich it would get much easier. Especially if I could walk home, but I need to get advice on what time of night I should definitely not be walking on my own, because people seem to start worrying at 9pm or after dark. Ideally I shouldn't be on my own much, but the government have taken everyone's money away, so I lack employee, so that's a problem.

There's a book club at Waterstones too. Books are awesome.

There's the AS social group, but they've chosen a bunch of annoying things I can't join in with until December.

There's the Norwich Science Fiction Group, which could be a bit more group like, because at the moment it's mostly Norwich Science Fiction Two Guys Having A Beer, except on rare occasions I can actually get there. Maybe there's more ways to advertise it?

I know there's at least two other science fiction groups, I should look them up and try again there. Might be conversations I haven't had yet.

There are probably other things that are not books or science fiction.

I was doing dancing lessons until I couldn't get there. From Norwich it'll be easier to get there. Even if taxi. Dancing is nice, but not couples dancing, more patterns. So Bollywood was nice and convention dancing is good too but infrequent.

There's the Buddhist center, with meditation and so forth often, both at lunch and in the evening. I liked meditation.

That's actually a bunch of things there. Probably things in all the weeks, probably more than one thing a week. So that would be nice.

So that's my plan for next year. Mostly things I've tried before, but actually working this time.

#xfingers#
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Having bought the whole 5 seasons for £29.99 I have been watching them, starting where I left off, with season 3. I just finished it and... I'm feeling kind of like I paid the right price for these? I mean, Read more... )

So, the thing where I stopped watching? I'm agreeing with earlier me.

Hence the feeling like I spent about the right amount on these discs.

But, I'm going to go watch some more tomorrow. Now I have them they may be depressing and... well, other kinds of depressing... but unless I have to bail out for my own mental health then I might as well watch. Bits of it are even interesting.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
The thing about anxiety is I can sit here and the room is warm and the flat is mine and there's food in the fridge and cleaner day worked and food delivery worked and seriously all the things are working

and still the sky is falling!!!

... at least according to whatever bit of my brain is the boss of how I feel right now.

It can be worse. Last week, when there was in fact an actual error, was so much worse. I barely ate. It was stupid and annoying. And the imagined consequences were all ZOMG HUUUUUUUGE THIIIIING but the actual consequences is, well, almost nothing, really, I just have to send two letters. Actually some good has come of it because my social worker actually spoke to me for an hour while helping to get this sorted out and there might be more support in the near future. Which would be handy, seeing as I still have zero applicants for my job. And a stack of things that need doing. Still.

Social worker also took the broken vacuum cleaner away with her when she left. I knew it needed getting rid of, I didn't know how because they don't go in the bin, and now it is gone. Tidy.

There's also an opportunity opened up. An actual possibility of a good thing. Which is pretty stressful, somehow, because making progress towards a thing I've been attempting to achieve for at least five years leads to all the usual fears plus all the fears attached to the potential new situation plus all the fear of change in between. So that's lovely. :eyeroll:

But I press on, because I know what it's like in the current situation, and it is not good. The new situation might not improve things, but if I proceed with caution it has possibilities.

... that sentence was hard to write because zomg Thing and Maybe ...

In better news I looked around and realised I'd just let things go lately. Subscriptions ran out, nothing booked for next year, endless boredom ahead. Needs fixed. So I subscribed to Big Finish audios again, so now I have a box full of them. And I booked for Starfury cons next year, the Torchwood and Doctor Who ones. I'll go looking for others too. Doing things doesn't have to be unalloyed awesome, it just has to beat sitting in my chair again again again. I should be able to think of more things that reach that standard.

My brain is kind of annoying. It's not very nice in here sometimes. So then I try to simple things up until I can cope with them, but that tends to mean the only things that get let in are the ones that won't be ignored, which don't tend to be nice ones. I know this, and still it is hard to change. But it's nearly a new year and every week is a new week and I can up and change any time. So. Working on that.

In the meantime, I communicate seldom, and hide under my blanket a lot.

But xmas dinner arrived with my regular food order tonight and relatives will visit some time this week and bring copies of my graduation photos and the world keeps turning.

*waves hello*
*sends nice thoughts*
*also blankets*
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I realised my Big Finish Audio main range subscription ran out in March 2012. I didn't think it had been that long, since I still got a CD every month, but I forgot it was from a different range. So I just went and put in the basket a couple years worth of subscriptions to things I'd totally like if I'd remembered to go order them.

... I think I've figured out why I had more spare money this year? Like, I have this much so I'll probably spend it, but first I will sit here thinking *woah* at the prices and wondering if I could just re-listen to the couple hundred audios I have already. Which, yes, but it would not be as much fun. So.

also realised the reason I didn't resubscribe is that depression ate all my forward planning. I'm not booked for conventions, I'm not subscribed to interesting things, I only just got a TV watching schedule again with Agents of SHIELD. So I think I need to subscribe again for reasons of mental health. ... which totally makes those money numbers be much more reasonable. yep. *nods*

then once my entertainment is planned more than a week in advance, maybe other plans will emerge too.

you never know.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
How can it only be 3pm? Went all the places, did all the thing. well, didn't go to Sainsburys to get supper because I got as far as the bus station a couple hundred metres away and decided the cost benefit on walking any more did not add up. But I went to the last psych person appointment this morning (they think I done very well and has more coping now), and they dropped me off at the bus stop so I could go to Norwich and get my books and my other book and also go to the book hive. That does not sound like many things but I left this house at 0945 and got back just now at 1445 so that was plenty.

Norwich is nice and full of shiny things. and also buskers and buskers with a recorder they can't really play and people with a small dejected dog sitting there with a hat out and also people selling the Big Issue on a lot of corners. I was looking at mostly diamonds in the windows and walking past people selling the Big Issue. Inequality.

(I cannot afford the diamonds in the windows, but looking is free, and they are very shiny indeed)
(well, some of them, some other things make me wonder how so much expensive stuff can be put together to look so very cheap)
(I am judgey of shiny things)

I found some rainbow socks, and I bought the last two pairs. More rainbow socks are always good because they go at the heels eventually.

I got the library book out the psych person told me would be good. It is HUGE and hardback and I had to lug it around Norwich the rest of the time. Already I dislike it. But I will try and give it a read.
I find it unlikely to be an amusing read though so I'll save it for when I'm not all tired.

I went through the market and got the battery replaced on my watch. My watch was saying quarter to three for a lot of minutes before I noticed it weren't working. Now it works again. The first place I went in said it would cost £10 and be guaranteed for 18 months and also take half an hour. Maybe you'd want that if your watch cost bazillions but I only paid about £10 in the first place, so I said I'd think about it. So then I went to the market and the stall there and it cost £3.50 and he replaced it in about 30 seconds. So that works better.

The book shop on the market didn't be open though. :-(

I went in Rainbow Wholefoods and they have several kinds of not-cheese I wanted to try but I didn't know how long I'd be in Norwich so I didn't buy them and wander around for hours with fake cheese. I want to live in Norwich so I can shop at the Wholefoods place. Also other reasons but I feel that's a pretty good one.

The Pulse places is still empty. Boo. No vegan pizza.

I stared at a couple food places but didn't decide to eat. New places are hard. I think next time I'll get a quorn sausage in a bun. That's pretty good walking around food and I found a place that probably sells them.

Only two out of three of my Waterstones books was in. The guy who went and got them had just started watching the Blood Ties series on TV, which is based on Tanya Huff books, though a different series than I was picking up. So whole sentences of interaction happened about that.

The Book Hive reckoned that they have the same suppliers as Waterstones so they won't be able to find the books the other one can't. Boo. I'll have to use online places. Possibly even amazon. They're evil but they actually have the books. It's a quandry.

Then I missed the bus by the few seconds it takes to cross the road. Error. So then I decided to walk past the bus station to the Sainsburys and buy egg potato things, but I got wore out before I got all the way there.

I need to do more moving around and less sitting on my recliner.

I also need to think of more things to do in Norwich because there's only so many times I can go buy books, since I haven't finished reading the last lot. I mean there's obviously not an upper limit on books I could usefully acquire, but since I can't absorb them through sheer proximity I should probably moderate my rate of acquisition somewhat.

I looked at the Starwyn Games place where they play Magic the Gathering and lots of other things. I like games but I less like shops full of guys who stare at you when you get as far as the door. Difficult.

Also a long way to go to play card game.



I need to eat something but also to rest.

Also now I read the mail I need to post a letter but that is definitely tomorrow's job.

today I did all the things.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
L tells me to contact ILN to do paperwork stuff to get new employee
ILN says L told them my funding is under review and they're waiting to hear if I still have it
L didn't tell me that

L is not in work again until next week
ILN won't do paperwork stuff until she tells them to
so no employee
or even advertising for one
still.

L also told me she'd email me and the social worker about a thing.
such an email has not materialised.

and the email I sent to the disabled people housing thing was answered slightly more than a month later
despite the lady on the phone saying said email did not exist.

(They advise me to contact them to do the conversation I had on the phone. You know how I was contacting them? In email! They're a working with disabled people organisation, what is this obsession with the damn phone? but they also say once I fill in the form they'll make a meeting with me and my family and support, because clearly they are not an organisation for independent disabled people, wtf.)

Sometimes I wish I could win the lottery not so I could have more money over all, but so I could actually control the flow without all this damn hoop jumping.


seems like I spend all my time either filling in forms or waiting for someone to get back to me.


in other news, the appointment I was promised in 1-3 months finally happened on Wednesday, 5 months after the promise.
so now I get 10 weeks of one hour a week of alleged helpfulness.
my optimism fell out quite a long time ago.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
So I woke up with feeling of impending doom, found messages about NSFG at the Ribs tonight, would quite like to go, actually need to get as far as CCN library or the interlibrary loan books will be late and they asked me very nicely in particular not to do that, and when I started getting ready for the day I realised (a) I hadn't done the laundry from the con due to ill and (b) due to breakages the laundry from the con is all my laundry. So I has no bras that aren't in the laundry or thrown out due to the little hooks falling out. And that's kind of wildly inconvenient.

Laundry is running now.

So I have until 5pm before I have to leave the house. I catch the evening bus, I go to CCN library before 7pm, I could even get to the Ribs for 8pm.

Did I mention feeling of impending doom?
Today is feeling Very Difficult even if all I want to do is not hide under my blanket.
I would quite like more brain working, but no, it is full of Doom Doom Doom.

Read more... )

Books

Jan. 21st, 2013 05:21 pm
beccaelizabeth: When you say words a lot they don't mean anything.  Or maybe they don't mean anything anyway and we just think they do. (literature)
I have read all the things. Specifically I have read all the things I happen to have in the house.
*epic employee frustration deleted*
So I'll be going to the library on Thursday. As we planned to last Thursday.
Or of course I could become the kind of human who can get all the way to the library by herself, but that has not been the case for some time now and I'm not betting much on it.

I thought about just ordering the books to buy but (a) the ones that still exist cost about £50 each because academic (b) about half the list does not in fact still exist and (c) nowhere has them in stock as such, they just reckon they could order them from America, which will clearly not take the whole semester or anything.

All I need to do is catch the 4 bus up to the UEA library. It shouldn't be hard.
... except for it is and I just have to make my peace with that or spend the week doing the mental equivalent of wheels-in-mud.

So I have read all the things I have in the house. Which aren't the most useful or appropriate things, but are quite interesting in their way. I have done plural hours work every day for several weeks now. Some of that work is rewatching Doctor Who episodes and writing down who saves who and who screams for who and how it works out, but that's useful, and also counts as my lunch hour. I have put little post it bookmarks next to all the interesting things in the books. I have books that are now half made of post it but I'm sure it'll be useful eventually. I have highlightered all the photocopied things, even though most of them are daft.

I have not made words go in a row in even a vaguely essay outline ish way.

I have one week before next progression point.

I have feeling of impending doom.




Feeling of impending doom is counterproductive because I end up curled up under a blanket feeling sick and going over old plots in my head, as opposed to doing anything vaguely useful at all. It's annoying.

It's also the best I can manage, because if I throw more effort into it I do not in fact get more result out, I just get wore out in that wheel spinning way.

Why this stupid annoying timing? I started working towards this in 2002. Why now I all stuck all the time?

... actually mum pointed out why now, because I've been working towards this since 2002, so it's a teensy tiny bit important and stressful.


:-p


Brains. Who'd have them.


Okay, I started reading at 0630, I watched Charmed somewhere in the middle and did some hiding under a blanket but otherwise took notes and read Doctor Who books, I'm calling today Done.

... how does more not get done?

*big sigh*
beccaelizabeth: Knight with sword out, defiant; word balloon says NO. (No)
Amy's Choice is still a very upsetting story. That ending is stupid. Usually if someone does that very bad thing and is still around to see people react their reaction involves hospital and meds that may kill your libido and make you feel sick all the time. It does not involve Adventure and Excitement and the man of your dreams looking at you all adoration because wow you'd do that for him! That's very stupid. Setting the 'choice' up in those terms was evil and stupid and wrong. Very stupid and unhelpful. Very.

But it's not an ep I can skip if I'm writing down about gender things. Big stacks of it in there.

Most of it creepy.

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beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
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