Dear subconscious: quit it
Dec. 16th, 2011 06:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beccaelizabethSo, yesterday I gave up and went to bed early. So early I had 12 hours before I had to get up. I could totally get more hours revising in after sleep, right?
Then my mum rang. Which took about half an hour of being doom and gloomy at each other. Though to be fair first time she rang she realised I might have gone to bed and hung up. I rang back to go 'arrgh, exam!' and find out why she rang. I can go 'arrrgh, exam!' at length.
So then I went back to bed.
But my digestive system apparently hates exam time even more than the rest of me, and was being very inconvenient.
So then I finally went to bed and slept.
And woke up four or five hours later.
From a dream where my dad was back from the dead.
There are probably many people who would quite like dreams of their dad back from the dead.
I am not one of them.
Those dreams mostly quit after I trained myself to dream a lightsaber. It didn't work today. Must be out of practice. Or possibly too pacifist to lightsabre a guy just for turning up in a dream he shouldn't be in.
We were on a spaceship, so there was duty and no hiding and no running away. And it wasn't a big NCC1701D, it was tiny NX01. And all he did was make disparaging remarks about my choice of dream boyfriend, but that was enough to make a right mess of that dream. I woke up and it took the assistance of four Enterprise officers and some Vulcan meditation to be able to think on anything else, even how wrecked I was going to be if I tried to do an exam after that lot. (My coping methods, they greatly resemble fanfic. Trying to think of logical things for T'Pol to point out is somehow easier than thinking logic at myself.)
So then I decided I needed more sleep and went back to sleep.
You know that dream where you're back at school and late and completely unprepared for an exam?
That dream would have been logical.
And near infinitely preferable to the dream that actually happened.
Now I'm awake I can recognise which horror stories all the element were from, but while I was asleep I was a policeman going back to school and finding very very bad things, including memory gaps, surgical tools and a little little cut in the back of my skull that seemed to have sharp metal still in it.
And then while attempting to sort it all out, get people arrested and children safely into care, everywhere I went there were people in these bizarre wooden masks, and everyone around them was acting like it was so normal I wasn't even sure they could see them too.
And that stuff wasn't even the very bad stuff.
And it kept on going.
So that was exhausting.
And I can still remember the other stuff that creeped me out anyway.
And now I have to get up and do an exam I'm reasonably sure I'm not prepared enough on.
And my digestive system is making noises I vaguely feel like I should record for horror monsters FX.
And the weather for today has either rain or snow and never gets above three degrees on the forecast.
Eh, sod it. I turned up at all the lessons I possibly could, even if according to my notes I usually hadn't slept, I did the reading I could, including bits of library book, I have actually read all the things and studied all the things, I just concluded it's all rubbish and the poem is secretly about fruit. I can live with that. The fact I'm going to go in and not have quotes or sections memorised is just what it is. I will cope. I only have to cope for three hours. Less, even, given that the teacher reckons there's plenty of time to panic and still write a decent essay.
How is it I can be so totally bored with my chosen topic area and yet still so utterly stressed about my grades?
Boo. Hiss. Grrr.
Then my mum rang. Which took about half an hour of being doom and gloomy at each other. Though to be fair first time she rang she realised I might have gone to bed and hung up. I rang back to go 'arrgh, exam!' and find out why she rang. I can go 'arrrgh, exam!' at length.
So then I went back to bed.
But my digestive system apparently hates exam time even more than the rest of me, and was being very inconvenient.
So then I finally went to bed and slept.
And woke up four or five hours later.
From a dream where my dad was back from the dead.
There are probably many people who would quite like dreams of their dad back from the dead.
I am not one of them.
Those dreams mostly quit after I trained myself to dream a lightsaber. It didn't work today. Must be out of practice. Or possibly too pacifist to lightsabre a guy just for turning up in a dream he shouldn't be in.
We were on a spaceship, so there was duty and no hiding and no running away. And it wasn't a big NCC1701D, it was tiny NX01. And all he did was make disparaging remarks about my choice of dream boyfriend, but that was enough to make a right mess of that dream. I woke up and it took the assistance of four Enterprise officers and some Vulcan meditation to be able to think on anything else, even how wrecked I was going to be if I tried to do an exam after that lot. (My coping methods, they greatly resemble fanfic. Trying to think of logical things for T'Pol to point out is somehow easier than thinking logic at myself.)
So then I decided I needed more sleep and went back to sleep.
You know that dream where you're back at school and late and completely unprepared for an exam?
That dream would have been logical.
And near infinitely preferable to the dream that actually happened.
Now I'm awake I can recognise which horror stories all the element were from, but while I was asleep I was a policeman going back to school and finding very very bad things, including memory gaps, surgical tools and a little little cut in the back of my skull that seemed to have sharp metal still in it.
And then while attempting to sort it all out, get people arrested and children safely into care, everywhere I went there were people in these bizarre wooden masks, and everyone around them was acting like it was so normal I wasn't even sure they could see them too.
And that stuff wasn't even the very bad stuff.
And it kept on going.
So that was exhausting.
And I can still remember the other stuff that creeped me out anyway.
And now I have to get up and do an exam I'm reasonably sure I'm not prepared enough on.
And my digestive system is making noises I vaguely feel like I should record for horror monsters FX.
And the weather for today has either rain or snow and never gets above three degrees on the forecast.
Eh, sod it. I turned up at all the lessons I possibly could, even if according to my notes I usually hadn't slept, I did the reading I could, including bits of library book, I have actually read all the things and studied all the things, I just concluded it's all rubbish and the poem is secretly about fruit. I can live with that. The fact I'm going to go in and not have quotes or sections memorised is just what it is. I will cope. I only have to cope for three hours. Less, even, given that the teacher reckons there's plenty of time to panic and still write a decent essay.
How is it I can be so totally bored with my chosen topic area and yet still so utterly stressed about my grades?
Boo. Hiss. Grrr.
no subject
Date: 2011-12-16 01:37 pm (UTC)[cookies]
[good vibes]
no subject
Date: 2011-12-16 04:34 pm (UTC)I eated the cookies in the middle of the exam.