Creepy that don't know it
Jul. 14th, 2011 05:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beccaelizabethSo I read a fic that I thought was *really creepy* and didn't seem to know it. and then I sleeped. A couple of times. And I still woke up thinking about it, so I guess this really bugs me.
In the fic character a moves in with character b, starts working with them, becomes their best friend, makes themselves indispensible in their health and disability management, and just generally tries to do everything they could possibly need. So they've integrated themselves in every area of their life. And *then* they up and declare they are in love and always have been since the start and want to marry them and all everything.
And it creeped me the hell out.
I'm leaving out character names because this general outline could fit in a lot of fandoms. I mean it could be Sentinel, it could be Stargate teams, it could be Buffyverse, there's a lot of places this outline can fit. And having read a lot by one writer in a row I've seen it redone with new angles, it seems to be their idea of True Love. And it's giving me the shudders.
Because what they're saying is: they did all this under false pretences. They lied, consistently, with word and deed. In some cases for years. In one case having told their best friend the schedule for the real plan. They called themselves a friend, a co-worker, they built trust on that basis, and the entire time they were lying about their motivations and borking the other person's possible read on them. No no nothing to see here move along I'll just keep making myself the one person you need to keep yourself alive lalala. And the entire time it was with the intention of getting them into bed. But letting the other person know that, and make informed choices based on that? Oh no, wouldn't want that. That might lead to them dumping your arse.
Yes, it might, and they're allowed to do that.
In one of the stories character b keeps trying to quit. Keeps telling them to stop doing their little looking after him routines. Keeps on saying he wants to quit and do a different job. And character a calls his repeated attempts to quit passive aggressive while telling him he is necessary to their continued survival. And it isn't one of those secret universes where only one person has the knowledge, there's a lot of other people they could work with, just every time b tries to quit a says noooooo we neeeeeed you in that survival based way. And so he stays, because leaving your friends to die isn't something characters I read about tend to do. Being way more emotionally manipulative, where the other character just set out their career needs. Keeping him around, on deliberately incomplete data, planning to shag him.
If someone tells you to go away and stop doing things then the only correct response is to go away and stop doing things. If someone wants to quit their job, it is not an expression of love to pressure them into not quitting their job. If you keep on taking over functions until splitting up could get them killed, that's actually pretty fucking creepy.
The trouble is the other way around, where people build a relationship based on trust and working together and each being able to do things for the other, that's a nice way to be friends and partners and decide your lives fit together. If you do that and then fall in love, that's okay, great even. And if one character loves the other and they both know it and there's awkward obstacles like being the wrong sexual orientation or something and they want to be best friends anyway then I read tons of that, I read it like happy making candy, cause then there's yearning and negotiation and finding ways to fit together and possibly getting everything they need out of negotiated groups rather than getting locked in to assumed scripts about monogamy. Or being partners in ways that work. Either way. Brain candy.
So I guess the essential cornerstone of all that is honesty. Getting to know each other is the essential part. It's creepy if they're telling lies, denying the other's perceptions even, sneaking around, being all 'I'm your friend!' while counting down to wedding rings. Creepy and manipulative.
And since the stories I just read all build up to epic weddings the story don't seem to know it.
*shudders*
In the fic character a moves in with character b, starts working with them, becomes their best friend, makes themselves indispensible in their health and disability management, and just generally tries to do everything they could possibly need. So they've integrated themselves in every area of their life. And *then* they up and declare they are in love and always have been since the start and want to marry them and all everything.
And it creeped me the hell out.
I'm leaving out character names because this general outline could fit in a lot of fandoms. I mean it could be Sentinel, it could be Stargate teams, it could be Buffyverse, there's a lot of places this outline can fit. And having read a lot by one writer in a row I've seen it redone with new angles, it seems to be their idea of True Love. And it's giving me the shudders.
Because what they're saying is: they did all this under false pretences. They lied, consistently, with word and deed. In some cases for years. In one case having told their best friend the schedule for the real plan. They called themselves a friend, a co-worker, they built trust on that basis, and the entire time they were lying about their motivations and borking the other person's possible read on them. No no nothing to see here move along I'll just keep making myself the one person you need to keep yourself alive lalala. And the entire time it was with the intention of getting them into bed. But letting the other person know that, and make informed choices based on that? Oh no, wouldn't want that. That might lead to them dumping your arse.
Yes, it might, and they're allowed to do that.
In one of the stories character b keeps trying to quit. Keeps telling them to stop doing their little looking after him routines. Keeps on saying he wants to quit and do a different job. And character a calls his repeated attempts to quit passive aggressive while telling him he is necessary to their continued survival. And it isn't one of those secret universes where only one person has the knowledge, there's a lot of other people they could work with, just every time b tries to quit a says noooooo we neeeeeed you in that survival based way. And so he stays, because leaving your friends to die isn't something characters I read about tend to do. Being way more emotionally manipulative, where the other character just set out their career needs. Keeping him around, on deliberately incomplete data, planning to shag him.
If someone tells you to go away and stop doing things then the only correct response is to go away and stop doing things. If someone wants to quit their job, it is not an expression of love to pressure them into not quitting their job. If you keep on taking over functions until splitting up could get them killed, that's actually pretty fucking creepy.
The trouble is the other way around, where people build a relationship based on trust and working together and each being able to do things for the other, that's a nice way to be friends and partners and decide your lives fit together. If you do that and then fall in love, that's okay, great even. And if one character loves the other and they both know it and there's awkward obstacles like being the wrong sexual orientation or something and they want to be best friends anyway then I read tons of that, I read it like happy making candy, cause then there's yearning and negotiation and finding ways to fit together and possibly getting everything they need out of negotiated groups rather than getting locked in to assumed scripts about monogamy. Or being partners in ways that work. Either way. Brain candy.
So I guess the essential cornerstone of all that is honesty. Getting to know each other is the essential part. It's creepy if they're telling lies, denying the other's perceptions even, sneaking around, being all 'I'm your friend!' while counting down to wedding rings. Creepy and manipulative.
And since the stories I just read all build up to epic weddings the story don't seem to know it.
*shudders*
no subject
Date: 2011-07-15 03:47 am (UTC)Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS
XKCD's Friends
And yes, I agree with everything that you've said! :D
no subject
Date: 2011-07-15 04:41 pm (UTC)but it's worse in the fic cause it's not just "you'll think about how long it will take to build this kind of connection again", it's "you realise breaking up will get at least one of you killed". at which point it's pretty much a horror story.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-15 08:01 pm (UTC)And if one character loves the other and they both know it and there's awkward obstacles like being the wrong sexual orientation or something and they want to be best friends anyway then I read tons of that
Can you point me in the direction of fic like this? O: I find it sadly much too lacking....
no subject
Date: 2011-07-16 12:20 am (UTC)I've been reading a ton of Stargate and SG Atlantis fic in a row, and it was the background assumption for Jack/Daniel and John/Rodney in a bunch of it, but because I've done the fic omnivore thing I can't remember one specific one.