Dating

[beccaelizabeth]

So there's a longish article about Channel 4's newest dating show, which is about people with disabilities going on dates. I don't know why people would want to watch that, but I feel that way about pretty much anything that doesn't feature aliens or spaceships or vampires or ghosts or at the very least swords.

The weirdest bit though was it said Channel 4 claims "70% of people would not consider having sex with someone with a physical disability."
BZUH?

That... surely that can't be right?
(Like, since when do 7 out of 10 people agree about ANYthing?)

I mean, they're ruling out Daniel Jackson and Cameron Mitchell, just for starters. Granted, only in some timelines, but seriously, if you've got the tiniest chance of dating either of them, is an accident really going to put you off? Two of the most beautiful guys in creation?
If so, I do not understand at all.

And then there's the thing, how do you define physical disability?
"The Disability Discrimination Act says a disabled person is someone with a physical or mental impairment which has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on his ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities." [drat I closed the page... I got that definition off a web page somewhere.]
So I don't know if that's what people are thinking of, or if they imagine someone in a wheelchair and that's it.
I was thinking if something needs an operation to fix it it probably counts as a disability at least for a while, or if it does something permanent to the way they move, and then I could start listing off actors who are leads on TV or stars of major movie franchises.
But maybe that's not what was meant.

But I started in Highlander fandom, and Joe Dawson has plenty of fans think he's hotness. He's a double above the knee amputee. So that's pretty definitely disability. And yet, fans. Are they all from the 30% ?

And Dark Angel had that Eyes Only dude, Logan Cale, romantic lead dude, in a wheelchair. Really, the wheels are a deal breaker for some people? I know the series got him out of the chair, but... weird.

I don't know. Actually this topic is making me feel creepy. Like, I have no problem saying I find xyz people attractive, there are many hot people in the world. It's just the phrasing, would have sex with xyz. It's feeling weird to say it that way about people I've never met. Even sticking with fictional characters it's weird. But mostly it's starting with the descriptor, physical disability. Because I fall for characters, people that save the world a lot, loyal friends, good people. And some of them, in some timelines, are physically disabled. But this channel 4 phrasing makes the only aspect of importance the disability.

Maybe that's why they got the 70% answer. Like, if the only thing about a person someone they asked could visualise was their disability, it's a really specialised audience who find that of itself attractive.
Oh dear, depressing, possibility of 70% of people only seeing the disability even when presented with an actual relevant person.

I poked the internet and found the poll with the 70% number. The Observer Sex Uncovered Poll 2008.

Have you ever had sex with someone with a physical disability?
Yes 4%
No, but I would not rule it out 26%
No, and I don't think I would 70%

I don't know, would the phrasing do something to the answers?

I didn't see on there a question about other sorts of disability but I wasn't looking very hard.

It's like saying someone can be perfect for you in every other respect, epic world saving, awesome poetry, whatever, being of your dreams, but if they walk with a stick they're, well, not screwed, like, ever.

I'm not claiming I'd be a perfect saint of non discrimination. I mean, I wouldn't want to date someone with the exact same problems I have, on account of I have enough trouble dealing with mine already. So that's ruling out people with disabilities.

And I can't claim I'd be judging people solely on their great hearts and perfect minds.

But still. Every physical disability ever, and 70% say no way?
I seriously cannot understand that.

Comments

[baronjanus]

Show I mentioned some time ago, Outland, has a character in a wheelchair who has/had a rather fiery-hot sex life, apparently. Not on screen, but there's a speech from her ex-girlfriend that's all.... detailed.

Wouldn't say it's perfect, but it caught my eye as being different to what most shows would do, if they even remotely mention anything in the vicinity.

[elf]

For a lot of people who don't think much about disabilities, "physical disability" means "paraplegic." They're not thinking that a physical disability could include blindness, much less that it could mean needing a knee brace or special shoes. Certainly, they don't think of "uses a hearing aid" as a sign of physical disability. Most of the people who answered the poll were probably thinking "would I have sex with someone who isn't capable of moving their lower limbs and maybe doesn't have any sensation in their genitalia?"

Some probably weren't. Some people are squicked by any awareness of disability; they think it's contagious and don't want to be in the room with anyone they know has a disability. But most of it's probably the clueless concept that "disability" means "totally debilitated in major ways that affect almost every aspect of daily life." And while that's still discrimination, it's not shocking that a majority of people would say no to what they think was, "would you have sex with someone with whom you could *never* do your favorite or second-favorite sexual position/act?" They're not thinking, "is Dr Greg House on your never-hit-that list?"

(Which is why we need, among other things, more depictions of disabled characters in the media.)

[wneleh.livejournal.com]

I think a part of it is, who would answer that sort of question from a stranger. I'm not the most private person in the world, and I know I wouldn't!

"Who would you date?" would make it less carnal; but even then, would I be supposed to put myself in the frame of mind I was when I was 14-20 (having started dating my husband when I was 20)? Imagine myself in some husbandless future?

Or are we supposed to completely abstract sex? I'd-so-do-him? But what does that even mean?

Or are we just reestablishing that people are weird around differences, including disabilities?

[tigress35.livejournal.com]

To play devils advocate, from a deeply primal perspective, sex is about reproduction and sexual attraction is largely based on measures of fitness and offspring survival. Someone in, say, a wheelchair doesn't inspire an image of reproductive fitness. Now I'm not saying that people with disabilities don't deserve/can't have a sex life and can't/shouldn't have children... not at all. Just that that explains the 70%.

[shahar-amar.livejournal.com]

I think it's also in part how the question is phrased, because it not only puts the characteristic "physical disability" first, but completely leaves out any other factors.

Would you date someone who uses a wheelchair? Someone with red hair? Someone who snores? No one can answer these questions for sure until they factor in who the potential date is and how they feel about them as a whole.

"I want to introduce you to this great guy - he's a double amputee ." Or "I want to introduce you to this great guy - he used to run a bookshop, now he has a bar. He's also an amateur musician and a war hero. (That's where he lost his legs.)" Which one would you rather meet? I'd actually find it creepy if someone would want to date another person solely based on the information that they have a specific (or any) physical disability.