Can I not just fantasise
Jul. 4th, 2017 10:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beccaelizabethI'm kind of annoyed of my brain.
Like, I'll think of something really hot
and then I'll spend at least an hour thinking it through to Horrible Consequences, like when the villain in question is inevitably as awful and manipulative in relationships as out of them, or goes full on abusive, or maybe serial killer.
Because clearly this is how one wants every brain story to go!
I know from like academic fandom that romance as a genre has a high degree of focus on asshole men, because it's all about *fixing* them. By being such an awesome self that he just, like, completely revises his behaviour. So now all that strength actually has a soul, and you get a happily ever after.
... or not, because certain parties don't think they're writing a romance, but whatever, that's what fanfic is for.
And this is a good fantasy, and many bazillions of people agree with me, and it fuels like an entire corner of publishing.
... and I can't seem to just leave that story to be that story, I have to spend at least as much time on the misery thoughts, as if they're more 'realistic' and I can't let myself get away with deluding myself.
It's about time travellers with super powers, why is 'realistic' grimdark trying to get all over it?
This is a form of catastrophising I had not really anticipated.
But considering it as another way my depression gets all over my writer brain it makes a kind of sense.
But it's also, like, when you notice a toxic pattern and you want it gone and you try and correct your brain? Because a pattern of attraction to RL people that fit my usual fantasy type would be, you know, fatal. Bad plan. But also it's that thing with noticing there's more story about redemption for white boys with no redeeming features than there is story about people of color. Like, some of these guys, they are not our precious. They're toxic privileged murder on legs, and should not be given an inch. Like how it's hard to get some people to notice Ward is a bad guy or Loki attempted genocide. But one side of the problem there is the not noticing? Like, noticing and setting out to fix it, that's a whole different story.
But I still feel like my brain should spend more cycles on actually liking the good guys.
Except if a story presents someone as 'good' then their bad behaviour tends to go unexamined, even if it's really pretty bad. So I'll focus on that. But if a story thinks someone is the 'bad guy' then it can overlook stuff that seems like pretty solid reasons, or plain logical behaviour. So I'll focus on that as a place to start.
... also, lately, bad guys tend to be more in my age range.
... *sigh*
But just, my brain is trained to tie itself in knots of feel bad about the hot thoughts.
Because it would go Horribly Wrong.
But they are thoughts and I am the boss of them so I think they should quit it and let me go back to being so awesome all the supervillains just give up the bad parts for a chance to date me.
Like, I'll think of something really hot
and then I'll spend at least an hour thinking it through to Horrible Consequences, like when the villain in question is inevitably as awful and manipulative in relationships as out of them, or goes full on abusive, or maybe serial killer.
Because clearly this is how one wants every brain story to go!
I know from like academic fandom that romance as a genre has a high degree of focus on asshole men, because it's all about *fixing* them. By being such an awesome self that he just, like, completely revises his behaviour. So now all that strength actually has a soul, and you get a happily ever after.
... or not, because certain parties don't think they're writing a romance, but whatever, that's what fanfic is for.
And this is a good fantasy, and many bazillions of people agree with me, and it fuels like an entire corner of publishing.
... and I can't seem to just leave that story to be that story, I have to spend at least as much time on the misery thoughts, as if they're more 'realistic' and I can't let myself get away with deluding myself.
It's about time travellers with super powers, why is 'realistic' grimdark trying to get all over it?
This is a form of catastrophising I had not really anticipated.
But considering it as another way my depression gets all over my writer brain it makes a kind of sense.
But it's also, like, when you notice a toxic pattern and you want it gone and you try and correct your brain? Because a pattern of attraction to RL people that fit my usual fantasy type would be, you know, fatal. Bad plan. But also it's that thing with noticing there's more story about redemption for white boys with no redeeming features than there is story about people of color. Like, some of these guys, they are not our precious. They're toxic privileged murder on legs, and should not be given an inch. Like how it's hard to get some people to notice Ward is a bad guy or Loki attempted genocide. But one side of the problem there is the not noticing? Like, noticing and setting out to fix it, that's a whole different story.
But I still feel like my brain should spend more cycles on actually liking the good guys.
Except if a story presents someone as 'good' then their bad behaviour tends to go unexamined, even if it's really pretty bad. So I'll focus on that. But if a story thinks someone is the 'bad guy' then it can overlook stuff that seems like pretty solid reasons, or plain logical behaviour. So I'll focus on that as a place to start.
... also, lately, bad guys tend to be more in my age range.
... *sigh*
But just, my brain is trained to tie itself in knots of feel bad about the hot thoughts.
Because it would go Horribly Wrong.
But they are thoughts and I am the boss of them so I think they should quit it and let me go back to being so awesome all the supervillains just give up the bad parts for a chance to date me.