beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font with rainbow background (BE rainbow)
I was talking to mum about maybe going to see Wonder Woman
and was talking about the diversity and how there's pictures of all these muscular warrior women on screen doing all the fighting and being strong and awesome and varied and muscles
and like half way through the conversation mum suddenly remembered I'm queer
and you could hear her recontextualising the whole conversation thus far
and I'm like
yes indeedy.

And then I had to try and assure her there is also a plot, which would have been easier if I'd paid one iota of attention to what it actually is.

... look, I know I'm going to see this, at that point actually knowing what's going on is spoilers.

I also told her there were guys to look at too and then that turned into a long mutual complain about how everyone is way too young now, and what are our options? Try to fancy people half our age? Ugh.

Conversation concluded with deciding to watch Iron Man, because we can agree about RDjr.

It's kind of relaxing that this is all being out has ended up meaning.
Course it's also why I previously thought I was out, but, that whole thing worked out anyway.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
having stayed awake all night refreshing the voting news
now the sun is out and it's super shiny, I was thinking of trying to sleep
but some neighbour is testing their fire alarm.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Politics has now gone all multicolored
and an election called to increase a majority and be all 'strong and stable'
has... really not done that.

This is unlikely to please anyone. It seems likely to leave things unpredictable, and few people like unpredictable when it's the size of a country.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Labour in my area got plus nearly twelve percents
but Conservatives got about sixty percents
so they win quite a bit.

lots of interesting things are happening elsewhere though.

... the bbc site keeps making my browser all stuck, is making it difficult to obsess
but the guardian mostly works
so i can see interesting graphs and boxes still.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I did not dance at the voting place
but I voted and then went dancing
which is a good way to deal with the stress, I feel.

Dancing lessons are good but busy full of dances I didn't learn or have mostly forgotten. But we always do more of the main dance, so I'm learning that better every week. Dancing is fun, being in error is less fun but still tolerable with all this practice.

ASDA still says unavailable on my juice drinks, so only Sainsburys shopping happened. I nearly bought some new trousers but need more thinking. I bought many foods and can once again choose between several meals :-)

now to wait
and theoretically sleep
but really stay up to see results.

but at least I have good foods and ribenas for while I do.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Last night I dreamt I had basic temporal micromanipulation powers
so I could more or less freeze the bad guys where they stood, while the hostages legged it
but it was like that time the bed fell over - sooner or later the inevitable is going to happen, and it's going to crunch.

... that time it crunched the furniture not me, but, the basic principle applies.

Power to bit pause would be really really useful, but if you don't know when it's going to unpause, really really stressful too.

Also I don't see how it's useful against most weapons unless you also get a degree of precognition. I mean most people only notice the bullet after it hits them, it's not like you can see it and react.

ANYways, this was a good excuse to spend the afternoon on heromachine, designing my costume.

The basic problem with costumes is, like, why are you wearing them?

Read more... )
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Norwich Science Fiction Group at the Ribs of Beef again
there still needs to be more group in our group, but the conversation with the one guy that was there was plenty entertaining.

Also the pub has redecorated and I want their rainbow cushion.
... not the actual pub one, because people, but.

Meetings are first and third wednesday of the month, so next is in two weeks.
... so I shall get on with reading and watching and listening stuff to talk about then...
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I am trying to read "Graceling"
I thought it was a fighting book but it keeps on being a kissing book
of the 'oh no what are feelings and why do I have them' sort.

like there isn't actual kissing yet but everyone fancies her and she starts out saying she doesn't fancy people or want to get married or want children but now it's turning into her fancying a guy and you can just see where it's going.

if it could go and be politics that would be nice.
but as it is I keep reading a chapter and putting it down.
and then reading another because since when do I leave a book half read?

This may not be a book for me.

... and yet last night I stayed up all night reading variations on 'oh no turns out I fancy him and now we must do politics and also build stuff and decorate houses'

... I mean it was a lot more queer and also fanfic and also astolat, but there's still somewhat of a double standard in my head here.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Reason I want to move house number I lost count a decade ago:
So when the stumble thump people happen outside I don't have to worry they'll fall off the balcony.

... they made it outside, far as I can hear, but it'll happen again again again...
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
It has been pointed out that there are Many TV shows starring actual adults
and I have just been watching the wrong shelf.

It's a basic Why Is Story Not About Me sulk, really, and if I'm the one choosing which stories I kind of know why.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Today's anxiety levels are stuck around arrrgh, but that's an improvement over the earlier AaAaAargh, because imaginary Mick Rory imaginary dragged me into the kitchen and told me to eat a food. I know full well what happens when I don't eat a food. Too anxious to want to eat? Tough, it's not going away until you do eat, so eat a food.

See this is why half my imaginary friends are mentally ill too, that shit sounds condescending when it's not from someone who knows just as well.

... and me telling myself without imaginary assistants just wasn't getting me anywhere.

Sometimes my coping methods sound just as crazy as my crazy.

But prettier and much more interesting.

I started rewatching The Flash from the beginning. Two whole episodes so far. I am reminded why I liked Eo!Wells so much. Which is a problem due to the being evil, but he's such a helpful and supportive evil, you know?


Do we know any F&SF shows that are primarily about people around forty? Or over thirty even? I mean, some shows get there before they get cancelled, but so much story is about school kids and college and figuring out the start of things. Where's the shows for people who are still waiting to figure it out by my age?

And the shows where people my age or older are neither obstacles nor evil?

I have a whole bunch of TV on DVDs I could watch, but when I'm this anxious, new can be a really bad idea. I'm just going to stick to reruns for a little while.

But I know I like them.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Today's dream: postgraduate study at Hogwarts.

Turns out that university and postgrad levels can be handled rather differently than school, though it has gone out of fashion of late. Nobody is quite sure exactly how it works, and the options are a bit mind boggling. Plus actual postgrad study requires a full quartet - one from each House - and they'll be together five years.

But on the up side, from outside, the whole thing, a three year degree and five year doctorate, takes about eight hours.
Read more... )

But the good bit as a dream was just having such a lot of good work to do. Fixing up the building was going to take all of us and stretch our skills, especially because as well as the plumbing we'd have to get the magical flow right. Wizarding buildings are potentially alive, so restoring a ruin is as much a resurrection as a construction challenge. But we'd be reshaping it to new purposes. A proper research group, designed to bring together every strand of wizardry. So we had two towers for Hogwarts already, one for our quartet and one for whoever Draco brought along, but for the other towers we invite groups from other schools of wizardry.

Read more... )

Still though, me as Slytherin... and who would the other three be? And what kind of place would Hogwarts be if everyone knew you needed to build up a friend group from all four houses, or be shut out of getting a Doctorate?

I was thinking when I woke up it's weird I keep dreaming about flipping Draco Malfoy. I could just blame The Flash. But the thing with fic of the 'more from' school is it tends to emphasise the bad points of the protagonist, seeing as they were skipped over in source, and the good points of the enemy they're being slashed with. The good guys get shown as needing a little more of their enemy in them, which makes them seem more reasonable. And trying to lead the protagonist through falling for their enemy gives the reader a really attractive view of them. So someone being remotely likeable in canon is basically irrelevant to how a fanfic reader gets guided to react to them.

... honestly I should just stop feeling apologetic about it, I mostly read enemies to lovers, it's what works for me.

... but some of those enemies, from a pure canon point of view, really should just go to jail for pretty much ever, so, apologetic it is...

But fixing a whole culture through who your study group house shares with seems like a good spark.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
sometimes I think about how long it has been since humans could see further than line of sight. in generations, in evolutionary time, it's a blink.

And I think about the sheer number of humans we're surrounded with now. I mean, that's gone up so much in my lifetime, let alone across the last century or so. Humans are sincerely not used to this, to passing thousands of people, to knowing a tiny bit about seven billion.

So when I see something in the news and hear about bad things, I get so wound up, and it makes perfect sense. If that was happening close enough I could see it without a camera and had those kinds of numbers hurt in the era of tiny villages, that would be affecting like everyone I even knew. I mean if judging just by people I see regular or talk to, probably still would be.

Getting jumpy is pretty rational, if that's the size of things.

But the world has changed, and tech has changed, and scale is a whole new thing now.

So now I have to talk my jumpy system into the concept 'nothing to do with me' when it is really and sincerely not wired for it.

And it feels bad, because shouldn't we feel bad about bad things?

Except no, is not doing any good, actually.


My tiny small Sunday actually only included moving a few more things around on a few more shelves, doing a bit of cleaning, and reading some stuff. Nothing worth the stress. And my feelings, bad or otherwise, do absolutely nothing to the world outside my head, so I don't need to feel things about feeling them in the first place. So I shall feel calm, eventually, because only calm things are actually happening right here.

... but humans are not quite wired for this, and it all goes complicated.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
So I was thinking about heaven and hell
and I think why I'm not sold on them as concepts is a lot of the essential bits are pretty much like now, only more judgey.

Like, heaven is a good place, and hell is outside and full of bad stuff happening.

My flat is pretty much a good place, full of all the eats I choose and entertainment I want etc, and outside is people making such noises I have to guess if police or ambulances are needed, and further away stuff that gets on the news that is Very Bad.

And it's miserable in here.

I mean, no bad is directly happening to me, but knowing there is bad is miserable.

So I am unconvinced that heaven can ever be a thing If there is hell, because how could the kind of people heaven is meant to be for put up with that? I mean I'm a bit of a useless human quite often, but I care enough that all that bad stuff happening to other people feels really bad. So how could heaven be for good people to, like, sit there forever, while anyone else burns?

Can't work that way.

Either it goes all Buffy in Heaven and feeds them fake news and is a basic lie, or there can't be a hell if we're going to build heaven.

So I reckon there's a lot of work to do to figure out how to either get everyone out of hell or make it stop sucking there.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Reality is full of Very Bad.

I wish people could all be okay
and politics just be talk and shouting and discuss all the time.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Ugh, my endless daydream of doom, where I am most awesome and marry all the villains and get them to go good ish and kind of conquer the world but without the hard work parts and so on and so forth, the daydream where the cast changes every time I have a new fandom and I get new superpowers and stuff to fit the setting, the daydream that is supposed to be all awesome good stuffs?

I just thought things through to a logical conclusion and really depressed myself.

I mean, I'm making up the rules here, so *obviously* I can make everyone secretly unaging immortals who never get sick and use comic revolving door rules for 'death', but, however setting appropriate that would be, I'd still know I got everyone out of the corner by going lalala my rules all good again.

The logical consequences of most of comics are painful and depressing, Read more... )

I get fed up with comics stories because nobody acts the way I would or considers obvious the things I consider obvious. So obviously I should write my stories instead.

... except they're usually either really light on plot, or shadowing the existing seasons plots but all changes because of comics me. so they'd fail at being original and at being fanfic.


still, not the most useful set of thoughts at this time of night.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Steady progress today: ornaments cleaned and moved away from two whole shelves, with inroads made on the other three. Three items moved to the 'probably for charity' area. Half a dozen gone to the bedroom, waiting for me to be able to access the blue boxes, to go into long term storage. Many items I don't want to get rid of but no longer feel the need to display in my living room. Like my teeth.

... the teeth have been on the shelf behind the piano for an unknown length of time, and were somewhat of a surprise to me when I moved the B5 postcards out of the way and found them. They're the cast the dentist did to figure out the whole tooth brace situation when I was like 12, and I think possibly the teeth he removed too. I'm not going to unwrap that bit to check...

But I feel that next to the dining table is a bit too quirky a display place for them even for me.

I mean maybe if it's a whole skull of something, but teeth just kind of grin at you.

I have been wiping the dust off things quite carefully and it's amazing how many things are not in fact grey. I mean I know Gandalf is more of a Radagast, but it's only evident when I reach the shelves regular enough.

I think I have to call it a day now because there might be many shiny things left but I've reached the point where I'm not touching things with my actual hands but I still have to go wash my hands after every item. If I don't want to end up in full on Everything Is Dirty freak out, time to change activities.

... this is why I have a cleaner.

I need to remember to wear my glasses in the house more often. Many things here are pretty, if I can actually see them.

I also rediscovered the checklist I made of which copies of Analog I have. There's not quite 25 years of them, starting in 1970 except for a handful of earlier issues. And they're a Collection now, so even if I never get around to reading one again, I'll keep them on their shelves together in order for the forseeable. But with the new shelves I'll have room for the new issues too :-)

Steady progress got me this far, and I've very nearly swapped out everything as needs swapping, which was pretty much everything at all. Things are more good now and very much less broken. Pretty big win.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
This one says DC UNIVERSE REBIRTH across the top, and also Volume One, which apparently means it just sort of stops when things are getting ominous.

But the magic words on the cover were Ted Kord.

Read more... )

I won't say I'm hooked, but this is an angle that could work, and what with everyone being more alive than when I quit reading there's all sorts of possibility in it.

But comics are so sloooooow. I don't know if volume two even exists yet, and if it did it would be more likely to put characters further up a tree than to resolve bits yet.

Also, still won't be primarily about Ted.

And never has been about his obvious partnership.


I may read the next bit but may also be tempermentally unsuited to reading an art form that's pretty much the world's longest and most complex WIP.
beccaelizabeth: Captain Cold and Heatwave icons combined (Coldwave)
Some characters you say OTP because there's only one relationship they'd realistically in canon in character want to end up in
and others you just... you have all these feels, and if they're not with their OTP all the feels are sad.

Like, I can clearly see in assorted canon that Captain Cold at least talks like he wants to date a lot of people
(for varying values of date)
but after Legends of Tomorrow I just can't poly or multiship Mick and Len.

Thirty years as partners.
However messed up they were
you've kind of got to wish for that specific happy ever after.

... and instead canon gave us multiple angles on til death do us part...
... canon has weird ideas of satisfying storytelling.

These feels brought to you by:
All the Coldwave writers are busy together rewriting the season
and all the Mick or Len fic is some other ship
and it gives me a sad
even if it's quite well written and the characters are kind of happy.

Of course the other thing is that
writers who think other ships are obvious
just have very different ideas of how humans work
and what happily ever after even looks like
and who would have to change how much to get there.

I understand wanting to work through characters opposing philosophies and assorted issues to get to a happy ending
Rogues be rogues, right?

I mean, writing Robin Hood settling down into the grey grip of bureaucracy seems passing strange no matter who he's shagging.

... Captain Cold is no Robin Hood, but that is a popular angle to take on the rehabilitation of rogues.

Also there's pointing out the basically law breaking nature of vigilantes
and asking where heroes get the right to call themselves heroes
when they mostly go around punching people really hard and putting them in solitary in private prisons.

There's middle ground to be found whenever they get to punch people they all hate together
... though the whole let's fix the legal system approach has its own distinct appeals.

I guess the specific happily I'm looking for is where they don't have to fix their mental illness or stop being who they are, they just have someone who gets them and digs them anyway.

... the part with the temperature themed weapons gets fixed in canon by having Len promise not to kill people any more, on behalf of himself and his rogues, so it feels a bit too easy to ignore. Like exciting heist adventures rather than that crunchy pieces noise the cold gun can lead to, or the burnt police officers the heat gun left behind. All in the past! Ish.

And the version of Mick and Len I'm interested in reading don't ignore their mental health problems or let each other spiral, they help and support. ... just it's going to lead to burning and thieving. ... which is not optimal.

... sometimes it would be a lot less embarrassing to not be a villain fan.

I like to think it's because villains take more thinking on because heroes are either already doing what you want them to or clearly in need of balancing out by particular villains.

But sometimes it's just because those are the characters my age or older, and actually pretty.

... still, a lifetime admiration for the Doctor, Chaotic Good who stole a blue box and ran away, that sets some patterns...

I know if I can't find the fic I want I should write it myself.

Bunnies and plot present, words... *sigh*

But maybe someday.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
politics is kind of annoying
because things are kind of screwed
and every few years they give you some menus of which flavour of screwed things could be next
but once you choose you get whatever they give you, on menu or not
until the next time
and the best humans seem to manage is to lurch between different forms of screwed

I mean there's always worse, so many forms of worse, this is the least worst system we've come up with thus far,
but it's still really frustrating
whatever you choose

reality just happens so much.


Jun. 2nd, 2017 02:35 pm
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I went to Norwich and went in many shops!

I did not find new trousers, and skirts remain uncomfortable for several reasons.
I also did not find a new and lighter dress for dancings.
But I looked many places.

I looked in Inanna's Festival too, but none of the wands were precisely right, though they were nice. Always many things that are good to look at in there though.

I did get books from Waterstones and DVDs from the television and movie store. Which was as planned. And then we went to Rainbow wholefoods and I also got some not-cheese and a tiny ice not-cream. Which I think survived the car home okay also, though in this weather you never know.

I times things correctly and we got home when we needed to and it was a successful day
even if it was mostly finding out what won't do.

We also stopped to see where I donated my piano to, because I had a minor mystery of not being sure if I sent the piano music in the piano stool with it or not. This was not answered, because of the new and interesting mystery where they say there wasn't a piano stool with it.

... okay then.

But they had a section for piano music that didn't have my piano music in, so there's that.

I definitely do not want the piano back. It is gone all gone. Is good.

... my head is still mostly ????? about it, but it does no good fussing if the whole thing has gone invisible anyway.


Had a nice shoppings in the daytime. Many books to read now :-)
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
My blue trousers have torn! Not even along a seam, they're just busted! I shall need new trousers :(

I have many trousers but all of them are black or grey and these were the only properly summer ones. And I only wore them last summer, so I'm not impressed with their resilience at all.

Maybe the washer machine ate them? I shall have to pay attention of it's going to start eating things.


Maybe I shall wear a skirt today. ... I seldom do that and even less often like it. Ugh, decisions.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I went to dancing again :-)
we have reached the end of the dance!
... this is not functionally equivalent to 'we have learned a whole new dance' due to the it with getting lost and zigging when zag is required, but *in theory* we have reached the end of a whole new dance!

So that is fun :-)

Also we are learning a second dance but the teacher got her lefts and rights mixed up and then tried again and then my feets had things all backwards, even including the bit I already knew. So. Not quite there yet.

ASDA continues not to have my juice. Boo.

But Sainsburys continues to have many foods. Not my vegetables today, because they were on special offer, but that just means if I run out of one sort I'll have to eat the other. I have many foods and I remembered the hand wash and I stared at many things.


Thursday achieved.
beccaelizabeth: Hat made of rainbows (rainbow hat)
I was in a school investigating stuff.

Around ine in the morning the stuff included Ollie Queen and his demon doppelganger, and there were rooms embodying the deadly sins, in a school-ish way, so Pride was probably the one where you got to see your own confidential files and they all said excellent if Slytherij things about you. But that could have been envy, because also other people could see you file, once you had. And Ollie couldn't so much as open a door because if it turned out to be Wrath we'd all be dead.

Now I'm awake I consider that an unfair assessment, because really, he's probably felt all that before, and he got it under control. Nut he wouldn't risk it.

And the demon bit started because there was a possessed book, where reading it would let out a demon, and it was disguised as the latest one on a series. Probably the Dresden Files actually. But unfair much, teasing a reader. I mean if it's a huge great leather thing with Necronomicon on the cover you know not to pick it up, but if it looks like the latest paperback you're going to bring it home with you. ... unfair but cunning.

This morning the school went all gender divided and I had to camouflage myself so it wouldn't eat me, so I went to the uniform store and bought black and white and lots and lots of grey. I ended up wearing a shirt under a dress over a skirt over a longer skirt. All stripes and pinstripes. Like wearing a teacher costume over another teacher costume over a manager. Probably there was a pinstripes jacket to go with it.

... Probably I need to buy some more clothes that are actual colors. Or start wearing the ones I do have.

But there was a throwing axe lying around that nobody in the girl's school would admit to, so we went over to the guy's side. Where we found a bazillion axes, none of them quite matching. And then they wouldn't let us out. The door wouldn't go the other way, we'd have to go to another level to get back, but wherever we went it got more first person shooter or dungeon crawl with trap after trap and it just would not let us out. We found a teacher three levels down and they started shouting at us about pressups and never leaving a buddy behind. There was a wall of books but it just swung open to be a secret door, you couldn't read them or anything. And the secret door led to the corridors used by the janitorial staff, who couldn't get out neither. The teacher, who looked kind of like Kurt Russell if he was badly photocopied a few times, declared we'd only get out when we learnt how to be real men.

Explaining that we were not in fact real men didn't get us anywhere.

So then flash forwards nine years of study and there was a parade of men all ready for the next step. The ones going down more levels had some super orky clunky looking cyborg bits, and the fixed snarls of people who had run straight through walls one too many times. The ones going back up into the world looked kind of like movie stars, but more like movie extras, with that stamped plastic resemblance and no particular spark. And then there was me, still too short and in no way shaped like them, graduating on the supervillain track. I got a black t-shirt over black cargo trousers and eyes that had gone red and gold. The teachers were dubious that such a commercially available pattern just happened to be how I turned, but I was the correct level of defiant and deferential, so they'd let me pass anyway.

On the way out I got to set a whole bunch of traps for the next set.

I calibrated them for teachers.

Soooo... I woke up and felt like that was a very My Gender Issues, Let Me Show You sort of dream.

Also like I need to wear actual colors today wherever I dig them out from.

beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
The trouble with trying to meditate at home is the sirens and the people apparently trying to break the main door down are somewhat distracting.

Also that it's so easy to go on the internet and tell everyone that you managed all of ten minutes with a break for drinking a water in the middle.

Also that all of tour stuff is right there looking interesting.


beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)

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