beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
There is someone in the hallway being clacky and scraping and thud where I cannot see them.
I don't know their ringtone.
Who would be calling them at 0445 anyway?

I would really like to move somewhere where I don't have to worry that someone has decided to live in the hallways.

Also it would be nice if everyone was well housed and didn't feel the need to live in the hallways.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Good start. Read more... )

I'm very annoyed at that ending.

I could write a fixit given those parts but I do not believe the series writers intend to.

They've kept what I didn't want and done bad things with it.
I'm ... okay I know me so if I watched this long I'm likely to keep going, but I'm going to feel bad about it and try and talk myself out of watching next week.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
The delivery place's phone just rings twice then makes the engaged noise and then goes silent.
It has been doing this for half an hour now.
So I have no food from them.

I have plenty of food but in order to eat it I have to decide that take away day is definitely not happening.
Which I don't wanna.

Also there are other delivery places, so in theory I have options, I just don't have their menu memorised or anything.

Also also I have 14 minutes to decide if I want to watch season 2 of Agents of SHIELD despite the thing I know happens that I am very very annoyed about.
I mean I know I want to watch Coulson and May, but I don't know if I want to watch a show that keeps killing characters of particular groups.
So I have to decide.

It would be easier to decide if it weren't fully half the TV I actually watch lately.


10 minutes now.

... I'm probably going to watch, and then be really annoyed.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
It is 0230.
I went to bed at a reasonable hour but my neighbours kept bam crunching
and then yelling at someone to take the padlock off?
... that sounds like a story.
Also someone is playing their music at what they probably think is a nice reasonable volume, but which leaves me with just the beat and maaaaaybe the melody, changing every few minutes. It's just enough to get my attention and just variable enough to get it back often.
... and it's possible it just finally went quiet when that bloke just now slam door went out and went 'see you in a bit'. yes I can hear neighbour conversations if they're not behind their doors.
so I'm awake and bored and telling the whole internet.
... sorry, it's not like you need to know either.

I look forward to possibly having fewer and quieter neighbours. that would be nice.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
If someone didn't warn for allergens because they feel people shouldn't be put off an experience just by reading the label.

That's pretty clearly evil. So why is it difficult when it's a different trigger?
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Authors that are all sadface about trigger warnings and say stuff like 'maybe you should be disturbed'
are either actually evil
or cannot stretch their minds around the scale of consequences.

Trigger warnings here for discussing mental health problems and consequent physical harm: Read more... )

I'm pretty sure I will not be buying the book.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Today woke up and got up in the technically am because stubborn
couldn't think of anything to do.
Played Sims 3 until the baby hypnotised everyone with crying, so the baby won't stop or be picked up or anything that could fix it and the entire household will only stand there trying to stop the baby crying. They won't even pass out of tired. They just stand.
It's an interesting superpower but I feel it interferes with the gameplay somewhat.
Aaaaand I remember why I stopped playing the stupid thing.

I can't remember when I last saved. Possibly before the baby existed?

I was running that family mostly so I could build terraced houses like I'm looking for. Except that Sims stairs will not do the thing I want Norwich stairs to do, they have only one size of stairs, so the closest I can get is to make the house the width of the stairs and then see how to arrange stairs for maximum benefit. Plus Sims doors won't go opposite each other or right at the top of the stairs, because they won't splat into each other, so Sims doors take up more space than real doors (which can slide or open in opposite directions) and I can't arrange them correctly.

It's a bit pointless really.

I've just run out of things to do.

I should start writing a book but it's been years since I wrote even a short thing and more than a year since I wrote academic whatsits and I fear my brain fell out when I wasn't paying attention.

I have a whole lot of hours stretching out ahead of me.
Reading books and playing games sort of wears thin after a few decades.
Having actual nothing to do is not fun.

I could theoretically leave the house and go Do Things, but I can never find things to Do, and the things that exist I can't get back from because transport, and it's the same stupid constraints that have left me trying to move to Norwich for... it's definitely more than five years and could well be heading for a decade.

Nothing and more nothing.


Writing books is pretty much all I've got left.
I know I'm kind of bad at it, and the only way to get better is practice.
But mostly my head is full of, well, nothing, in a static and fog kind of way, and writing that down is super boring.

Boo to everything.

I can watch more TV or something.

Yes I know as problems go this doesn't look like much, but if there's nothing to do there's me, depression, and anxiety, sitting staring at the walls.

Everything is stupid and I would rather be painting a house or something.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
but they tried to fix it

I just spent 20 minutes on hold trying to contact ASDA
because I attempted to follow instructions for contacting them online and the links they mention plain don't exist
so, phone.

I needed to phone because the Quorn Samosas were use by 20th October, in a 21st October delivery.
While I was there I complained about the chicken soup substitute as well.
So that's 20 minutes for a grand total of £3.49 of refund.

I just didn't feel like letting them get away with it.
Grumpy staff that don't hang around to let you check they've actually delivered your stuff, and then past date food, it's just not on.

So now I go make a meal plan that copes with the way the rest of the Quorn is use by today or tomorrow
which is clearly helpful in a weekly shop.

To be fair the lady on the phone just refunded things and said they were sorry a lot.
So she was doing her job right.

But not the rest.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Last night I read The Ocean At The End Of The Lane by Neil Gaiman.
I've owned it for ages now but I've been putting off reading it cause from what I read it was going to be somewhere between scary and disturbing.
I was not wrong. That messed with my head. Cause it isn't exactly what I'd call fantasy, one of the blurbs said it's more magical realism which seems to mean it's basically real stuff with light effects on it, the weird fantasy elements just kind of fade back when I remember the story, and then it's just domestic stuff and bad things happening to children, mostly done by the ones meant to look after them.
I mean, I can see it's got all magic stuff all over it, but the memorable to me bits are the extra triggery Read more... )
The conversation in the back says something about how the story is about the powerlessness of childhood.
How it isn't a children's story because children's stories have hope.

It isn't an adventure story with cunning and winning in the end, it's about enduring and trying over and over to get help until the one remaining trustworthy grown up makes the bad shit go away. And that's after terrible things have happened, including at the end Read more... )

So it just felt bad to read and felt bad after reading and then I curled up with Tony Stark and Bruce Banner and Clint Barton and remembered growing up to be heroes can happen and eventually got to sleep, and couldn't get around to thinking of any reason to get up today until the afternoon.

Which I'd been doing better on recently.

So. I'm absolutely sure that the horrible grey hollow feeling the book left me with was not what the author set out to do. Another reader would get an entirely different reading from this book.

But if you think these kinds of things are likely to bother you, probably you would like to not read this one.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Every time I order from them it's only because it has been long enough since the last time I forget I'm Not Shopping With Them rather than just haven't shopped for a while.

This time it was dumping everything in the hall outside my door in flimsy torn plastic bags
not bothering to mention there's substitutions
or stick around long enough to take the bags back
and, as it turns out, swapping vegetable soup for chicken.
Chicken soup.
In a vegetarian order with many vegetable and vegetarian options.

Clearly it could be worse but it's blooming annoying.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Cleaner day happened
and I did my half of the jobs
which now includes Vacuum All The Things.

... my floor is much less sparkly now, but at least I can tell I did the work.

and then I sat down with a Doctor Who audio on and sorted old paperwork for the whole length of the adventure.
I can't tell you much about the adventure, except the Doctor and Mel saved the day... possibly by doing things the audience didn't get to see and then explaining them? Huh. Er, not engrossing, compared to checking the dates and tearing up a bazillion pieces of paper.
But I did make mass progress on project throw out all the things.

It's hard to decide how long to keep bits of paper. Last time I got asked for paper from Before I had to send two years of things, so if it's more than two years old it can probably go. I don't think I've been very consistent though.
I did find a stash of christmas and birthday cards, some of them from people I even still know who they are.
And there's a whole stack of torn out pages from homes magazines that I suspect are from last century. So that's interesting.

I still have 3 or 5 more drawers that need sorting. Three if counting by same volume as already sorted, but the lower drawers are sub divided so five. This is not a swift task.

But progress is progress, so yaays.

I can also console myself thinking that the longer it takes to find a house, the more of this stuff I can do before I move. Which clearly makes up for the ongoing lack of new properties on the market.

Food delivery is scheduled between 7 and 8 pm because I left it late to order yesterday. and it won't include the proper sort of apple thing because I was ordering from one of the shops that actually sells my juice.
it would be really handy if one supermarket stocked all the foods.

But today's tasks are achieved, except for 'eat food'. Oh, and 'empty washing machine', has to hang things up.
I like it when things get done.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Last weekend at the con there were screenings of a documentary about Doctor Who fans. I watched a bit of it, then walked out all :eyeroll: It wasn't being deliberately rude or anything, but it was being drearily tedious in a very gendered way. It was about how Doctor Who fandom is changing, and it seemed really excited about it, and you'd think that would be a good thing. But.

There's this story that fanboys tell themselves, over and over, in a variety of spaces I've seen and been to.
The story goes "And suddenly, women!"

This story is always wrong.

Read more... )

So if their perception is also true what they need to be asking is why weren't women fans in the same spaces as men?

Read more... )

The thing is though, if someone can figure out the right questions, the ones about how a variety of people always liked the texts but now they are more likely to share fan spaces and do fan activities, that might get some useful answers. Like, what made people feel safe and welcome? What changed? How do we do it again?

Because the other thing I noticed at the convention - at all the conventions really - is how very very white we tend to be. Much more so than the UK in general. And the convention organiser had a nice speech at the closing ceremony about how everyone is welcome in fan spaces, no matter your gender, sexuality, or race... but I don't reckon you could prove it by the actual attendees. And that might be a failure of eyes on my part, but, the UK is 87% white according to the 2011 census. So there should be 13 people in every 100 that are not white. Even in a 200 person convention, that's 26. And I only actually noticed two.

Unless I missed a couple dozen people, we're too white. We need to understand that lack of diversity.

And asking the right questions seems like a good start.

Of course if a diverse audience actually isn't watching the same texts, okay. Anecdote is not data, and maybe I am that much the special snowflake, and happen to online know the only classic era women or people of color in fandom. But I can't actually believe that.

Which makes with the epic :eyeroll: when some fanboy story takes it as the baseline assumption.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Did the shoppings, ate the breakfast (which was kind of blah and rubbery but it's only a supermarket cafe), bought a house magazine because it has a free... something with many pages that will probably be fun to look at.

my regular Sunday of awesome.

I need to sort out the shopping trolley situation (needs washed and is currently full of washing) because trying to carry it back got painful and then mum carried it but probably that's not comfy for mum.

Also need to remember to ask mum before inviting sibling over, cause she did veto it today after they'd agreed, so then everyone was :-( But I gave them my spare giant amounts of printer paper for a printer I probably don't own any more and even if I do it probably don't work. So they're probably ahead on the day.

Tomorrow's task list looms long, but today's tasks are rolling along nicely.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I'm watching Fringe. I'm on the last disc and it is finding new and interesting ways to irritate me.
Read more... )

So I'm just bored and irritated.
Whatever this show is trying to do it is doing it very poorly.

Also Read more... ) Bored bored bored.

It's annoying when something I was enjoying just decides that the things I liked least about it were the selling points and pursues them to their stupid end points. And it keeps on happening.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
certain items should never go in the washing machine.
sequins, especially glued on sequins, are clearly on that list.
... so why do I not remember that on the way in?


on the plus side, my floor is super shiny now. raining silver!
and I have an excuse to shop for a new shiny thing before next dancing opportunity.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I'm not very good at being a human. It's annoying. I keep thinking I could be more social, then reviewing previous attempts at social, and kind of giving up on it. People are many and there's much noise, or people are not there and there's none talking. I don't know how people do this.

I'm also kind of annoyed about houses. Because of the one that went away. I feel that if other people did things quicker and more efficient then I could have a house. But then if different other people did things slower I could also have a house. So mostly I'm a bit sad of not having that house.

Also mum keeps being all no worries the universe is just saving up a good one for later, and I'm really annoyed at that whole attitude. Read more... )

Any minor irritation with mum gets amplified by the thing where, on account of having no support or seeing people in college or regular social engagements, mum is the only one who talks to me most weeks.

And while I'm not in Norwich it will continue to be just as difficult (ie mostly impossible) to get to (or importantly back from) social anything.

So I continue to look for houses.

It's annoying because I have found more constraints than I initially knew about, which narrows things down a lot. Read more... )

So now I just need to find again the right sort of stairs, and the right placement of bathroom, in the right location, with a freehold or very long leasehold, not built too recently or too long ago, and at the right price.

And all the searching and attempt to buy has resulted in useful progress type stuff, so that's okay.

... asking the universe like a wish list doesn't seem useful, but as a way of letting this stuff go so it don't go round and round in your brains, may be of help. Or I could just meditate and try and empty all the things...
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Today I finally got as far as the cinema to watch Guardians of the Galaxy.
Mum went with me. I like disabled tickets, carer goes free if I sign the thing.
Film was fun with lots of whoosh and boom, but all the stuff I've seen on tumblr people grumbling about I agree with. Like, Read more... )
But the other set of stuff on tumblr, that being all whoosh boom GROOOOOOOOT, that also true. Groot is good. Dancing is good. And holding hands.

Am glad I went today cause after Thursday there's no showings listed anywhere local.

Am frustrated that this was the first opportunity I had given the ongoing lack of support.

There's NSFG tonight according to my calendar but I'm at home cause it gets no easier to do the transport thing or the going places.

So, back to waiting on someone listing the perfectly perfect house on Rightmove so I can move to Norwich and have far fewer transport problems.
And/or waiting on winning the lottery or premium bonds so I can afford the perfectly perfect house or making somewhere perfectly perfect.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
So far today I did the Cleaner Day tasks, then vacuumed the bedroom, getting in almost all the corners now. I emptied out the cupboard and vacuumed in there. I discovered an old and very goth pair of shoes lurking under some plastic swords. I put the remaining things that need cleaning (and include things like backpacks and laptop bags where I don't really know how I intend to do that) and put them in the sealed bags to figure out later. I can see the floor in at least three quarters of the room now.

I still have no idea what's in that one corner behind the bed though. Probably a radiator that has never been turned on? Some boxes? Possibly a guitar?

I tried to look in the big blue box. It's my school trunk from when I was 8. But it is now locked, which is mysterious. It wasn't locked last time I looked and I haven't deliberately locked it and, rather importantly, I'm pretty sure I haven't seen the key since I was 10. So. Er. Oops?

Whatever is in there I haven't looked at for a really long time, so it's not like it's urgent, but, well, big box, never accessed, some kind of shifting weight inside, kind of embarrassing.

So then I started looking all the places keys might live. Which will take me the forseeable future. Tidy this place is not, despite ongoing efforts.

I did discover where I put a bunch of skeleton warriors. So that's nice.

Found keys to the bike shelter and some older iteration of the front door.

Vaguely recalled throwing away a green stretchy key ring, which clearly wouldn't have had a key on, probably, right?

So, I'll keep looking, but it's possibly more practical to learn lockpicking at this point.
... I poked it with tweezers but nothing happened. I suspect as well as being locked it's probably corroded.

I could always apply tools and just saw through the lock or something. But then it's broken forever, so, I'll go through every other drawer looking for the key first.

Meanwhile I'm having a sit down before doing the vacuuming in the front room, cause this stuff is exhausting and there's no call to get all falling down tired as long as the task gets done on the correct day.

ETA: Finished the vacuuming
found the trunk key.

beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
*catches up on everything including tumblr*
*realises to get back from Heathrow and do all that reading I've been awake 20 hours*

... *facepalms*...
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Watched first episode of Gotham.
I might want to know this Alfred Pennyworth and Jim Gordon better, but I think I have no interest in this kind of story week on week.
Blood and screaming, not my speed.

Home safe

Oct. 13th, 2014 04:20 pm
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I'm back from the convention.
Time of Angels was pretty good, there was dancing and I did my best impression of a human. There was one whole conversation and everything.

Got home to messages the maybe house is a definitely not. Sold to someone else.
Is kind of frustrating because I spent all weekend trying to stop thinking about numbers and things that needed fixing and how I could make it work, and it's all a waste of brain space.
Back to searching.


Oct. 9th, 2014 03:56 pm
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I am all packed ready for Starfury Time of Angels tomorrow. Even the shiny things.
... shiny things have a truly surprising ability to tangle in the drawer. I can't figure out where they get the energy. Do footsteps truly transmit enough to get everything wrapped around each other?

Everything fits in the suitcase. Surprisingly well, this time. I got a bunch of vacuum pack bags, as part of the clean all the things / maybe move house strategy, and three of them are travel bags where you don't need a vacuum cleaner you just curl them up and lean on them and the air goes out the one way valve at the bottom. I'm surprised it works, but it does seem to work real well, and saves bunches of space. And logically it would work on the way home too. Except probably by then it will all be in the laundry bag. But that's what expanding suitcases are for.

... must remember to pack laundry bag...
... and done.

See, this is why I tell the internet. I get on here and realise what I should have done.

Daytime clothes, party time clothes, sleep time clothes, shiny things, phone, snacks.
Paper, pens, sonic screwdrivers.

I can only pack the alarm clock in the morning.

Think I'm packed.


Okay, goal for the weekend is have more interesting weekend than I would sitting in my recliner.
This is realistic and achievable.

I just have to get through London on the way there and back.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Dreamed I was lost in a hotel again, having only found a back entrance with no reg desk. Got a hotel room fine but had to go on a quest for the main door. On the way there found a series of increasingly elaborate and beautiful gardens, all of them with very steep steps, until eventually I got to one where I was all "well, it's a good thing I can fly".

The part where I was doing the whole thing wearing only the con t-shirt and I had a panel to run in a room I didn't know, and people were getting trapped in the lifts, that was more usual.

Are there honestly people who just, like, travel? Who don't spend days having nightmares about it and feeling vaguely sick? Those are some mighty humans.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I packed for Friday. Then I unpacked and repacked. Then I dropped some of it on the floor and decided it needed washing. Then I started the washing machine. Then I realised it was 2100 and I was not being a nice neighbour.


Read more... )

Okay, I'll go think of something else to do that is not telling the internet about my laundry.


beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)

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