Babies

Feb. 28th, 2017 10:49 am
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
There were two convention babies, under threes, at Redemption. And they are so tiny, and so cute, and so make me glad I didn't have one of those.

They are tiny fragile messy utterly dependent free willed entities who can walk out of sight and towards stairs. The amount of work inherent in just keeping them alive is terrifying. And did I mention messy? Humans remain messy for a really long time.

And when loud is the only means of communication they are very persistent about it. Tiniest decided they liked ice cream, which is grand, but then they were Most Loud until more ice cream happened, which worked so yaay for tool use, but still, how do parents even? And that's when the cause and effect are obvious. If not obvious, many more loud.

And I'm not knocking them, because see tiny cuteness, fascinated by everything, they are perfectly awesome babies as babies go.

But they remain babies for a really long time. Like, really. Like, you can get degrees faster than they can even vaguely look after themselves.

I am so not suited to a time investment like that.

I'll stick with books.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
This morning's dream - the one after the three hours awake after the 0325 13 second fire alarm, that I jumped out of bed for with no care for my back, which did more ouch than four hours of dancing the night before... okay, this sentence got away from me.

This morning's dream featured black dogs with raven faces.

Big. Big black dogs with big raven beak faces.

They were bred with regular black labradors, and most of the puppies would look like them, just stronger and longer lived and better at the magic stuff tangled all through the dream. But then sometimes you'd get a line of black labs that randomly threw a raven face. Puppy puppy puppy beak.

It was such a striking image it has been following me around all day.

Of course it was in a mostly funny way in the middle, where there was a really tiny black dog on the train. Like not chihuahua tiny but it disappeared under the seats on its way past. Tiny black bristly thing making me think of packs of waist high raven dogs.

But mostly I just keep getting snuck up on by these dream images of raven face dogs
and wondering where I ought to put them.

I'm back

Feb. 27th, 2017 04:35 pm
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I spent £70 on taxis... no, wait, another £10 in Sheffield... that's a lot of taxi.
But I went to Sheffield and back and had a very good time at Redemption.
I know the organisers would probably have liked there to be more people attending, but it did mean so many small panels I didn't lose the power of speech except in the main hall, in the bar and at the disco.

A lot of people had to cancel at the last minute due to some combination of health, jobs, and transport problems in extreme weather. A lot of those people were scheduled to run panels. I'm rather impressed that things ran as well as they did, given the givens.

I may have accidentally run a panel when we got to the room but nobody was in charge of it. Nudged the conversation along for an hour. Turns out I have at least that much to say about Robot Uprisings, so that was fun.

Also spent three hours across the three days making up a setting and some characters for a science fiction pilot. That was fun too, but because the group was so small everyone got to talk, and there was a bit of loud and less turn taking when people got excited. Guy running it mostly noticed when I'd reverted to holding my hand up, but he was typing our ideas so it were difficult to do both at once. Maybe next time I can bring my keen typing skills? I'm not sure our plot was properly plot shaped even after three hours, and many people came to only two of the panels, but kicking ideas around is fun. Playing 'yes and' is tricky.

I think I spoke up in all the things I went to in the smaller rooms. Which is nifty. I only hope I made sense and wasn't rude. I think I managed. I did start talking ideology in one persons panel on zombies and immortality, and I know in another I interrupted to say 'cis male' at one point and then spent ten minutes telling myself off in my head. ... someone had started saying that motherhood was a uniquely female trait/experience, because only women can get pregnant, and, well, that's... frustrating. But I still should take turns proper.

I didn't make as many notes as usual because I was participating. Also because spinny chairs. In the upstairs room where a lot of the interesting topics were there were spinny chairs. I found I could either be spinning while listening, or concentrating on not spinning. So I sat at the back and tried to spin inconspicuously. which I'm fairly sure didn't work. But I only clunked into the wall a couple of times, so that's fiiiiiine... By Sunday I was mostly over it though, so I have more notes from then.


I'm feeling pretty awesome considering. I couldn't stay at the party or talk in the bar at the end of the con, but everything else I set out to do I did. Winning.



Now I must eat a food with vegetables in it, before I crash.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Right then. Going offline until Monday.
I am fine, this is fine, all shall be well...
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Slept until very nearly six
so clearly I am winning.

My day is now dedicated to not freaking out
getting up when the buses work and the off peak rates kick in
and catching the train that goes about once per hour all day anyway, direct.

I am up to 'huh, feel slightly unwell' on the freakout scale
and anticipate 'wow, maybe I'm actually ill this time' to kick in before launch
but hey, at least I know how it works.

And Done

Feb. 22nd, 2017 07:18 pm
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Regularly scheduled Wednesday activity turned into short shopping trip where I found the things I want in the sizes I didn't and the sizes I want in the things I didn't. I would have needed to remember last week for daytime shopping. But no.

But that makes Wednesday and all ordinary activities All Done.

Tomorrow I need to fiddle with packing lucozade, hula hoops, mouthwash and handwash. Quantities will depend on how I feel and what the weather is doing. But everything else I'm pretty sure is packed.

So now my remaining activity is to try and meditate or at least try not to wind myself up.

... *sigh*
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Clothes and shiny things all packed, and with the suitcase unzipped there's extra plenty space for the hat in the top.
... it would be sad if the hat arrived squished, but not tragic, and I haven't a hat box, and it won't stay on my head without modifications I don't know how to do.

I will bring the rainbow bag too, but I can't lift half as much lucozade as my anxiety says I need. I'll just have to be confident lemonade will do.

The sellotape worked on the black velvet too, so I shall be properly piratical for the pirate party.



I am not looking forward to seeing what the weather will do.

But I am working on looking forwards to meeting actual humans more than three at a time for the first time in a couple of years.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Bag is packed!
... I think. I haven't actually pulled the zip closed or put the last two garments in. Obviously things can go wrong at that stage.

I also haven't any bright ideas about the food and drink I was planning to bring. I'm considering brining the trolley as well as the suitcase, but that never works as well on the train. If I just bring the rainbow bag it'll be heavy on my shoulder, and already my back grumbles.

Or I could just trust that the hotel can provide drink. That ought to work, right?
... I'm bringing at least some lucozade sport.
... this was simpler when the hotel had a little shop. I can find many shops on the google maps but I have no sense of scale, and a very limited ability to go anywhere, even without it being a weather warnings sort of weekend. Best to believe I'll not have access.



It has been ages since I went anywhere. I forgot to get travel size things or to keep the previous handwash dispenser so I didn't have to carry as much. It'll still work, just heavier.


I wonder what it's like to be someone that can just throw a couple things in a bag and go, without worrying they'll be allergic to the soap, or the hotel won't be able to feed them. Or just worrying in general. It must be nice to get excited anticipation instead of anxiety nausea.

oh well. next thing to do is attempt fuzz removal with sellotape. shall see how that works out.

Onwards.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
My best trousers now fit like a sausage case.
Arse.
I'm never much fussed about my weight, or at least I try not to be, but seeing as I prefer to be sure nothing pops when I sit down I find myself a bit frustrated about the extra inch there.



But this is why I'm trying things on before packing them.
I still have a huge great heap of enough clothes to wear at least two outfits a day all weekend.
And my second best trousers are fine.


My waistcoat for the pirate party is black velvet and has done the thing where something fuzzy but not black has rubbed against one panel.
I have it over the back of the chair, waiting in hope of sellotape, but it's a tiny bit frustrating when I have had it in a draw for ages and should probably have noticed before I put it away.


I had to move a great deal of the bedroom to get at my weapons stash to get a sword out. I have chosen only one. It will suffice.
It will have to, since I've put the things back in front of the cupboard already.
Plus it's a nice one anyway and will match my excellent hat.


I am currently hoping all the aches and pains will wear off before I get started tomorrow.


But hey, packing, progress.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Now I've got a craving for proper sunday roast made with actual red meat.
I've been vegetarian for twenty years, I gave up meat cause it started making me ill, and I probably can't remember what it actually tasted like anyway, as opposed to all the fake sorts.
But, now my brain is full of smell-of-roast and the mouthwatering anticipation of protein in chunks you really need to bite through.


And this is frustrating because if it was grilled cheese craving again I actually have the vegan version to hand.
I could in fact make a fake cheese sandwich on slightly too frozen toast right now.

But no, now I'm thinking roast beast with all the trimmings
and I couldn't cook that even if I could digest it.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Ra’s al Ghul is a goa’uld.

His waters of life, where people go in ill and come out healthy, are the pond he keeps his snake offspring in; meaning he’s technically a goa’uld queen.

He selects hosts for their skills because he’ll learn them when he takes them over so it’s efficient.


This does not explain Sara, she was a bit long in the grave for goa’uld technology, but coming back with a bloodthirsty snake in her head would be an interesting take on her early difficulties. And if they’re new parasites, no maturing in a jaffa host, then maybe a human host could fight them for control.


What the SGC would think of superheroes I don’t know, but goa’uld have been looking for hok’tar a long time, and metahumans certainly fit the bill.

New hair!

Feb. 21st, 2017 12:11 pm
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I have new and excellent hair!
Same usual chin length on top and number three up the sides, now with six months less fuzzy length.

Also my new and excellent hat very nearly fits now the hair is buzzed. Kind of. Sort of.

So that's improvements all around :-)
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
On the one hand, I must remember I either run the dishwasher on mondays or run out of everything.

On the other, so far today I slept until six, ran the dishwasher, and started the laundry, all before breakfast. Which is microchips cause I can eat them from the box, but still, winning.

later this morning I have last minute haircut. I am not looking forward to it because it is off routine and all these hours awake are going to be enough to get really really tense. But I am looking forward to it because my hair will look reasonable again, so.

Ulysses

Feb. 20th, 2017 07:25 pm
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Today I did a bunch of laundry, wash and dry, chose a bunch of clothes, though that task is mostly still to be sorted out in outfits tomorrow, and got a bit of Tennyson's Ulysses stuck in my head so I had to go read it.

I find it a frustrating work. There's so many excellent phrases in it, but put all together it's a choppy lumpy thing, at least when I read it in my head. And yet there's all these bits that catch at the imagination and won't leave be.

And this gray spirit yearning in desire 30
To follow knowledge, like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

Death closes all: but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.

Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’ 65
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield. 70


And you never quite know if the dude is as grand as he thinks he is, but isn't that just very grand indeed? And there's a dream you're not quite sure if you want to sign up to.

It's annoying too because maybe the words make you have a feelings, but then they get sat on by every other time some character quoted them to try and make you have a feelings, usually in a less than nuanced way. And it's not exactly subtle in the first place. And then analysis joins in and the thing goes all parts and pieces.

But it's a set of words that gets caught in my head sometimes like song lyrics, without the advantage of a catchy tune. So it's at least got that.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
old computers and old backups and old files give me anxiety
like what if parts are secretly not there?
just because I haven't opened that file sine 2010 doesn't signify

older things are worse
stuff from before 2000 straight up gives me panic attacks
because that was not a good era for me.

I'm sure there's a more rational way to deal with data than hoarding it
but i apparently don't have it in me.
so then i end up not looking at things because anxiety.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
By many standards today has been most successful already.
I woke up around four so it has had many hours by lunchtime for to get stuff done.
But I've done the remaining Sunday tasks and the Monday tasks as far as one load of laundry and also done some bonus backing things up, which took some fiddling around.

I'd consider the rest of the day bonus, but instead I need to get packing done ready for Thursday, meaning starting with Laundry Day is a good plan, so I still have a big long to do list and a bunch of choices to make. The tension on the build up to going to a convention is not my favourite part.

But on Thursday I'm going to a convention, where many and many conversations will happen. So I can look forward to that part.



I think it's bugging me that a lot of my party clothes are a lot more feminine than I'm feeling at the moment. And I haven't replaced my waistcoats so I've only got the one. I've got an excellent hat for the Pirate Party, and a coat that nearly matches it, and I'll pack my easiest to fold trousers, but I vaguely feel like party means skirts and I'm not looking forward to that. Which obviously is all in my head, I can skirts if I want to, but I don't have to want to. That's why I've got so many party trousers.

Also unhelpful is it's a new venue so I'll have to pack for interior temperatures ranging from freezing to boiling.

And I'm not looking forwards to the trying things on phase. I seldom mind what weight I am per se, but I do mind when my clothes stop working.




Ah well. Onwards.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I get really tired of fanfic's tendency to swap out women.
When a show has only women of the week and the guys go home together, the slash is simples, and rarely has to bother swapping out women.
But the more women are in the story in the first place, the more some fanfic decides what a story really needs is to just reattribute their everything to a man.

I've read fics that were just episodes but with their preferred pairing instead of a woman.
I even liked them cause I hadn't seen that episode yet.
Felt icky when I realised.

In Clint/Coulson fics after Age of Ultron, well, the vast majority simply aren't after Age of Ultron, but the ones that are? I'm mostly left trying to decide if it's creepier when they give the farm to Coulson or make Laura Clint's sister.

Probably the sister thing, considering, but in the general case it's just creepy to erase a woman and give her everything to the nearest pretty guy.

It's also annoying because so unnecessary. I mean Coulson makes some little speeches in Agents of SHIELD season one that imply he had to choose between wok and raising kids, and then Clint turns out to have kids, so the poly fic really ought to write itself. But I haven't even seen a handful of those. Just the erasure.

I get fed up of het fic due to the increased tendency to get icky patriarchy all over everything, but this is not an improvement.

I'm kind of feeling like I should retrain myself to only read fic with women in, because wow am I fed up of white men getting all the stories.

But I'm in the habit so somehow the fic that grabs me is all white men all the time. Which is embarrassing.

When canon gives us awesome women doing things, or even mediocre poorly written token women doing things, it's really important to keep them around. And do better with them. Like we have been with the men for some decades.

We can write so many more interesting lives. We don't need to treat what they've already got like scraps to be fought over.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
today I went nowhere, did nothing, and read a whole lot of fanfiction.
theoretically, living the dream.

... but I am so bored all the interesting things are boring.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
i am watching a cartoon from Lionsgate / Marvel.
It keeps making really odd creative choices.

Read more... )

That was not a competent story that made even vague sense.
It was a mish mash of pieces wrapped in crappy art and worse cgi animation.
Thematically it had nothing going on, no emotional arcs were resolved, and the whole fight sequence with the naked woman was deeply distasteful.

Most of all, it was not Tony's story. It wasn't his decisions that drove the action. It wasn't the action that drove his decisions. He had the suits and the company and the pacifism before the story started, and nothing changed, it just wobbled a bit in the middle. At most he witnessed this story, and why make a movie about that?


This film was really very rubbish.

I'm not going to bother keeping it.

Elysium

Feb. 18th, 2017 03:21 pm
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Well that was a waste of time.

The science fiction elements didn't make sense, not the physics or the cyberpunk bits, not even internally.

Read more... )




The story would have made more sense without most of the science fiction, just have a gated community with better meds.


But the attraction of the story was supposed to be messy and violent spectacle with a bit of space stuff thrown in, so, whatever.


... i fast forwarded through most of the messy violence. it was also inconsistent about tech levels. either the citizen shouldn't have died in the first place or the agent should have before the big fight.



boring and stupid.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
technically the exact same background pictures, except they're now hosted on Dreamwidth, so they won't disappear if livejournal does.
and they're https now, so the little lock on the address bar is happy.

I like the dreamwidth uploader so far, it does what I told it to first try.

i don't know what else I'll put on here yet, but I should probably go find things currently hosted random places. ... if I can remember what places i have things...
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
After all the doing yesterday, today was mostly made of headache and cry.
which never gets less annoying.

I finished reading Temeraire through Victory of Eagles, the last one I own.
And then went and ordered the rest.

I love the way it starts with 'dragons who really love their captains' and then just plays through, shows variations on societies built around these two species, shows how some are really all kinds of abusive, and then has dragons set out to save themselves. It's doing the smart science fiction thing which is both defamiliarising regular inequalities of power like race, slavery, gender, marriage at the time, class, armed forces, but also just taking this one solid What If and applying logic. The cool dragon powers are fun as well, especially once all the battle strategy and tactics starts getting intricate, but the social stuff is really interesting.

It do get a bit tense around race and old racist tropes, and the ways dragons are fitted around them. I think it's doing okay, but, showing the whole world makes a whole world of ways to get wobbly.

And I miss the intensity of payoff I get from the yearning-having cycle in fanfic. Lots of things get paid off for Temeraire, but it's just that bit more distant, and changes scene just where fanfic would start getting detailed. Many courses, no dessert.

But they're good books. Inventive and interesting.


And now I have to wait at least until next week for book delivery, because the shops didn't have them yesterday.



Today I also watched a cartoon about a princess from a bamboo shoot. It was miserable. Read more... )

So it was just a whole fairy tale about how life is short and miserable and everyone makes each other miserable while trying to make each other happy.

So that wasn't fun.




And I still haven't plugged my new recorder box in, because i need to read the instructions, and to do that i need my brain working, and for that i need no headache and to not be made of cry.

ugh.




I keep thinking of fiction from the tv and going over it all time travel au fixit, and getting looped on how much needs fixing, and just how wrong in the philosophy so much of it is. like i start out watching these bright colorful stories where evil can be successfully punched once an hour, and end up quite distressed that all these people are getting punched and nobody ends up fixing things by making friends and doing good instead. so i need to watch different fiction. but i try and i keep not finding quite the thing. and going back to the punching, where imperfectly small pieces get stopped, and the systemic problems remain.

i should do more writing my own stuff but today is not that day.

i'm fed up of time travel and alternate universes though because they're just brain traps for going back over everything trying to figure where to do it different to make things perfect. and if alternate universe you did it all perfect then they wouldn't be uou. and then i get depressed about comparing myself to me from an alternate universe. which i'm pretty sure is no sort of helpful.




I need more good days and interesting achievements
even if it does mean weathering more of the rebound days after.

triumphant

Feb. 16th, 2017 09:22 pm
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
... I went to type this, the page jumped, I marked all my messages as read.
which is far from the worst thing that could have happened, but still. 83 pages, now all same.

ANYway

I win
I went to dancing, and while not speedy and a bit wobbly, I danced the whole time
and then I did my shoppings.

I'm kind of headachey
and my hallway smells a bit not good from some of the new stuff

but I did all the thursday things, so yaays.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I did a shopping! I did the *most* shopping!

Employee could finally get scheduled a daytime shopping, so I had to do All The Things, or at least all the things that are not at Sainsburys.

I got three new pairs of dancing slippers from Head in the Clouds.

I got a most excellent pirate hat at Beaujangles. ... it is too small, I think, which might make it only medium excellent, but it is for the pirate party at Redemption, and it is sufficiently excellent for that for £8.50. I bought a headband too and somehow will attach it to the hat to make it stay on. Or possibly will take it to chaos costuming and make sad face...

I did the donating at Oxfam so I got solar power and clean water and some foods for charity people.

I got new handbag on the market, one that is not held together by my keyrings, though I'm not quite sure of it yet and might get a different one instead. It seemed like the best at the time and it has the same zippers in the same places but ... well probably but I dislike change even when things have fallen apart twice now. It'll do to be going on with.

I got a new chain for my tardis key, though it is not as long as the old one. Technically I have some 'army dog tags' but it's quite the cheapest way to get a chain, I checked many places first.

I looked for a new coat but found that coats can be Very Expensive and don't tell you useful things like if they're warm and dry somehow even when very thin. And then the other shop wasn't where employee thought and then we went in the mall and the things were too much and many and I gave up on that bit.

Boots had vitamins and wipes for the first aid draw.

Waterstones did not have the rest of the Temeraire books. It had space on the shelf. Probably someone else has them.
Jarrolds has books in the basement but not Novik.
I shall order online.

Rainbow Wholefoods does have Cheesly :-) which is not awesome but has actual protein in pretend cheese form. Some of the others do not have any. They shouldn't call themselves cheese.
It only had two left though, so I'll have to go back sometime. If I still like these kinds. But still, achieved.



So I have shoes, a hat, a handbag, a chain, vitamins, and cheese.


That is a very plenty extra successful couple of hours.



It was also a whole bunch of traffic jam and annoyance.

But I win at shopping.




And now I have two or three hours of lying still before it is time to go dancing.

... I'm stubborn, so I am going, but I maybe might end up doing sitting down dancing.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
My new dvd player with hdd arrived :-)
My new dvd player has an 88 page instruction manual, all in English :-S
... that's a funny looking smiley. it's meant to be a wibbly mouth of wow how am i meant to understand all that.

i mean I hadn't understood it was primarily a blu ray player and following my brothers advice I didn't need a blu ray recorder means it don't record to dvds either, only USB HDD that has to be 'registered', and registering it deletes everything already on it, so it needs to be a new one.

i mean i've learnt a bunch of things just trying to answer the 'but how do i back it up' question, but still, wow, 88 pages.

I don't have any blu rays but now i could play them if i have them. is ridiculous. i have something much shinier than i know what to do with.

also i thought it had no button for subtitles but it turns out they call it STTL instead of SUBS. Which seems daft but what do I know?

Read more... )

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