beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
that was an unhelpful night of being awake and hoping to get to sleep
with a headache.

so I started to think of plot ingredients for a through the looking glass boarding school story, and just thoroughly creeped myself out by trying to remember what I found scary age eight.

though to be fair M R James has been scaring people of all ages for considerably longer than I've been around, so obviously that'll still work.

Read more... )

Ageing is weird. I can remember feeling basically quite capable and responsible and so forth, but I was tiny, and knew nothing. Like, I felt like me, but less depressed and actually more confident. I don't know what feeling like a kid is supposed to be, I always felt basically ready to have the kind of adventures where you save the world, with or without talking lions, and felt ready to be quite competent and accomplished and so forth.

and now here I am entirely aware of my ability to get lost in a town with basically one street, too baseline anxious to even try going anywhere any more.

this growing up lark feels like a bit of a swizz, really.

I guess the teacher point of view on nightmare looking glass world would just be the sinking knowledge that of course your assorted eight year olds would confidently set out to deal with it. that right there would be scary enough. and setting out to go get them back wouldn't feel like assorted big sisters trying it, neither.

it wouldn't be a case of too much imagination, it'd be too much plain old data.

knowing what can happen is a lot less fun than adventure books.

the plot bunny I started with was the one where it ends up with dream me marrying draco malfoy. but thinking about what would belong through the looking glass in a school, one in a converted stately home sort of thing, it could end up like Aral and Cordelia looking after the injured guy as they walk across the planet. like secret audition for parenting. but with runaway kids gone mirror strange.

you couldn't blast them with magic or solve problems with punching. you'd have to make them want to come back.

different spin on that making the house nice again plot in astolat fic. making it nice enough the children feel at home, and don't feel like monsters. or, you know, feel monstery but know we love them anyway. no objections to Addamses here. Be bitey wild things if they feel like it. the goal would be the not biting us.

it's the what do the kids do when they get back question, the why set up a school for returning children question, only with having to set out the stall to recruit them back, rather than making them regret it once they spontaneously return. like, sure you can do anything you want here, but if you come back to school then...

... hmm, tough pitch.

I hate headaches. I would much rather be asleep. or just staring at the ceiling without a headache.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
After all the doing yesterday, today was mostly made of headache and cry.
which never gets less annoying.

I finished reading Temeraire through Victory of Eagles, the last one I own.
And then went and ordered the rest.

I love the way it starts with 'dragons who really love their captains' and then just plays through, shows variations on societies built around these two species, shows how some are really all kinds of abusive, and then has dragons set out to save themselves. It's doing the smart science fiction thing which is both defamiliarising regular inequalities of power like race, slavery, gender, marriage at the time, class, armed forces, but also just taking this one solid What If and applying logic. The cool dragon powers are fun as well, especially once all the battle strategy and tactics starts getting intricate, but the social stuff is really interesting.

It do get a bit tense around race and old racist tropes, and the ways dragons are fitted around them. I think it's doing okay, but, showing the whole world makes a whole world of ways to get wobbly.

And I miss the intensity of payoff I get from the yearning-having cycle in fanfic. Lots of things get paid off for Temeraire, but it's just that bit more distant, and changes scene just where fanfic would start getting detailed. Many courses, no dessert.

But they're good books. Inventive and interesting.

And now I have to wait at least until next week for book delivery, because the shops didn't have them yesterday.

Today I also watched a cartoon about a princess from a bamboo shoot. It was miserable. Read more... )

So it was just a whole fairy tale about how life is short and miserable and everyone makes each other miserable while trying to make each other happy.

So that wasn't fun.

And I still haven't plugged my new recorder box in, because i need to read the instructions, and to do that i need my brain working, and for that i need no headache and to not be made of cry.


I keep thinking of fiction from the tv and going over it all time travel au fixit, and getting looped on how much needs fixing, and just how wrong in the philosophy so much of it is. like i start out watching these bright colorful stories where evil can be successfully punched once an hour, and end up quite distressed that all these people are getting punched and nobody ends up fixing things by making friends and doing good instead. so i need to watch different fiction. but i try and i keep not finding quite the thing. and going back to the punching, where imperfectly small pieces get stopped, and the systemic problems remain.

i should do more writing my own stuff but today is not that day.

i'm fed up of time travel and alternate universes though because they're just brain traps for going back over everything trying to figure where to do it different to make things perfect. and if alternate universe you did it all perfect then they wouldn't be uou. and then i get depressed about comparing myself to me from an alternate universe. which i'm pretty sure is no sort of helpful.

I need more good days and interesting achievements
even if it does mean weathering more of the rebound days after.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Today has been a bit not awesome. I got the cleaner day basics done, but haven't done vacuum cleaner, again. because headache, so I've pretty much been curled up in bed hoping the neighbours and their tv and their plumbing could be less loud.

also looking on rightmove for bungalows, because a girl can dream.
... that particular dream costs £315,000 at the moment, unless I want to be so far out of town I'd have trouble getting buses in the evening, let alone figuring out how to navigate.
but I don't need to worry about that part because it's all ridiculously impossible anyway.

I would like a path along which I can achieve my small and practical dreams.
Like, people can get a job and save up moneys and get a nice place to live in a nice area, in theory.
I would like that sort of hypothetical construct, more plausible than the ones that include winning on the premium bonds, that I myself can get to from here.

because that would be nice.

I suppose if I actually write a thing it could in theory make a money, but honestly, that almost never happens.
still. write a thing seems mostly possible from here.

beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I find I'm getting increasingly annoyed with mpreg stories where they have to do some weird superscience on accident just to get them pregnant.
Just make them trans. Just write it like it never came up before and oops, now a baby. That is a thing that is actually possible, no loop the loops required.

Yes I know it's a whole seperate narrative niche
I just
I get cranky.

Actually accidentally a baby also makes me cranky
does no one in fiction actually try on purpose?

I tealise most of them are actually actively saving the world a lot
but they seem to live in worlds where this is continually required
yet population replenishment also happens.

Have people juggle on purpose
let them make decisions
let them have bodies that can actually exist.

There's so much more mpreg than trans fic though, it's... making me cranky.

Plus also I have a headache.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Painkillers are awesome.

In related news, the later part of my birthday was a bit not awesome.
But that's okay, I watched a bunch more Flash anyway.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Today I have mostly had a headache.

But the people I emailed about the bed have replied, so that's nice.

They replied with a list of questions I am mostly ?? about but I mostly have a headache so I think I shall wait and see if I can brain tomorrow.

Tomorrow the piano should be going away.

I feel weird about it. I mean, I kind of hate the thing, and haven't played it pretty much this century, even now I've fixed it and know it can music. But it has always been there.

But I've ordered the table which will go where the piano is, so the piano will go, and I will live with it. I'm sure it'll feel weird in a way that wears off. Probably.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
It is kabooms day and i have a headache.
fireworks night is annoying.
an organised firework display with a set start and end point would still be annoying, but in a different way from the continual expectation of random kabooms, probably near at hand, almost certainly set off by someone who knows not what they're doing.

add to all that a headache and nausea and
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Despite declaring today a blanket day, I did phoning to find out if the place can fix the vacuum cleaner. (I was maybe rude. Making speech words is hard and then I worry I was maybe rude because I said can only do if cheap. Is annoying.) They can either fix it or sell me a new one for the same price as the exactly same replacement one I just looked up, so I figure one way or another that'll work out. And tomorrow I shall ask the cleaner to help with the walking it there part. Odd awkward thing, winter steps, difficulty launching. And then once I'm out of the house I can do other tasks. It won't be food delivery day because I appear to be well set for that. So I can wander around a bit. And hope I don't get hit by a car.

... Sunday mum had to stop me with arm across chest because I hadn't seen a car. She was all giggling that arms at that height on a becca shaped person is not polite, but I was quite glad not to be squished and consider collateral rudeness not an actual problem.

... I really miss having an employee. On the to do list is contact social worker to say so again again.

Also today I did the Monday Tasks, which mostly involved looking at them and deciding they didn't need doing, and then did some laundry, which I shall hang up shortly.

It's quite a lot of doing with a headache.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
nothing displays properly
it has an entirely new set of quirks and irritations
and there's no way to change it back.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Note to self: The 'handwash' setting on the washing machine seems to work fine, in that the thing seems clean now and also in one piece and with the colours in their right places, BUT
there's now a big puddle in the kitchen, under where I hung it up to dry.

This was predictable and I am a stupid head.

So I threw a bunch of kitchen paper towels into the puddle, but still, that was not a great plan and could continue to be a not-great plan in an expanding and possibly slippery way.

and this is only 0915, the day has only begun.

I have figured out that washing the thing with mirrors on in the washing machine will only make it an ex washing machine with mirrors in, but I think the alternative is not washing the thing, or putting it in the bath to just be soaking wet forever in there. that seems ineffective.

I should probably stick to my resolve to only keep the things the machine can wash.

beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Or brains currently having a headache are weird.
This is my regularly scheduled monthly headache, part the first, with part the second to follow after the weekend.
So I've been mostly ignoring it most of today. Because it's boring. I know that's a weird word for pain, but, it doesn't hurt very much, just enough that it's definitely a headache, and then it keeps being a headache, and then it'll be back next week and next month, and it's boring. Stories never bother with this kind of thing.
So the nausea is irritating, but doesn't get in the way of eating if I get sufficiently stubborn. But then everything tastes a bit different than usual? Like, vegetables that actually taste of something, even the white ones. So that's somewhere between interesting and irritating, and with a headache everything tilts irritating.
But now I'm getting weirdly dizzy when I try and page up or down on the computer.
Because that's totally what I need from life. Dizzy making computer screens.
I'm thinking I'll just close my eyes before I hit page up/down.

It's that or go read something on paper, and I'd already started something on the computer.

Also today I played a couple of games with gems and dragons on the other computer, but when they crashed I wasn't interested enough to try and make them work again. I'd have had to pay small money to try it, and that didn't seem worth it.
I get cranky about my little clicky games. Like, if it's not obvious how to optimise something, but you can't replay the level/day? Cranky.
There are excellence stars I do not know how to get. Why have them as a goal if following the tutorials and hints is not sufficient to get them? No funs.

I need to do something more interesting.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
Fringe is just pissing me off now.
Read more... )

... quite disproportionately, because I epic can't cope with the real world news at the moment.

also I have a headache.

Okay, good things about Fringe: Read more... )

good things about the real world: my bit of it is small and quiet and not making headlines anywhere.

humans need to be more better.

so many of them are trying and it takes so few to fuck it all up.

Lost Girl

Apr. 3rd, 2014 08:15 am
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I got the season 1 box set of Lost Girl the other day, and today I started watching.

How much am I liking it? I have the kind of headache that, even after painkillers, would really quite a lot suggest I should curl up in a dark place quietly and maybe not move so I don't feel quite so sick, yet instead I am watching Lost Girl.

I am up to the start of the third episode. The plots aren't, like, profound or astounding or very surprising at all, but I really like these characters. There are women. There are lots of women. Read more... )

So I'm hoping I can continue to like this show. Because I like it a lot right now.
I'm trying not to just get worried it'll start doing all the things I hate later. but TV has me trained.
But right now it's a kick arse urban fantasy sexy happy place.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I give up on the day, turn off the computer, stop listening to stories, and generally admit that I have a headache...

... and my upstairs neighbour, the one who is probably the deaf lady, starts up with the singing along.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I have little cards to put up places to advertise for an employee. Except who looks at little cards to get a job? Aren't they all online? But I have seen the online ad on the government job place and nobody replied to it. The ad is going in the local papers too. Not that that worked real well last time.

I could put it here as well but then I could never complain about my employee because they'd be people who read this. Sometimes one really needs to whine.

it would be kind of handy to have an employee again. I'm sure there were things I was planning to do. The longer I'm stuck the more stuck I feel.
beccaelizabeth: lion Prince John sucks his thumb as his crown falls down (thumb)
somedays one's options are nausea with head pain or nausea lying in the dark with feeling one should not move much in case the pain comes back.
paracetamol are wonderful as far as they go.
but then after a while I've slept as much as is happening any time soon, I've tried lying still in the dark, and it's all got so incredibly boring I'm back to deciding hey, how bad can head pain be?
... annoying stabby pain : ah, that bad.
so I'm bored, tired, nauseous, and grumpy.


also, my ridiculous brain has decided Vegetable Noodles Are Food. Not just good food, Food. All other foods are Not Vegetable Noodles. If it decided this about something I could bring home from the supermarket then I'd just roll with it as usual, but no, it's stuck on Vegetable Noodles from the Chinese take away. I can get them delivered if I order two days worth of food at once, but it's not exactly economical eatings. I don't know, hopefully it'll go back to something easy like micro chips are food. or soup. I quite like soup usually.

What's in chinese take away vegetable noodles? I know there's mushrooms and other mushrooms and carrot and those little sweetcorn thingies that are all pointy bumpy thing and also green peppers and red peppers that are the same kind of peppers and also some things that go crunch and some things that don't and are mostly green ish. Plus there's noodles. And something that makes the noodles taste really good.
I don't think there's steam in the microwave bags of all them vegetables anyway so I probably couldn't make them myself, but it would be quite nice.

I'm hungry and nauseous. It's a very annoying conversation. Usually I don't notice hungry, but now I'm sitting here grumpy with it. And I've tried eating but I've still got the same hungry, so possibly it isn't hungry in general but Wants Noodles.

Brains are... *throws hands up and rolls eyes*
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I have been trying to get to sleep for two hours and ended up in my head talking to TV execs about an Avengers TV series which they had made a pilot for and were totally messing up. They'd cast me as a 25 year old skinny person who made eye contact, it was horrible. ... my insomniac ramblings, they quickly become epic rants on cultural studies topics such as representations of disability in heroic fiction, even when my mary sue self could be spending those hours daydreaming on being awesome kick arse Avenger dating the whole team except Thor.

ANYway, I don't think the whole internet would be interested in much of that.

But we're going to have a SHIELD TV series, which will be kin to an Avengers series but distinctly different, so it's interesting to me at least to wonder: what will be the central question to explore in such a show?

Read more... )

The show that I would make would maybe not so much be the show that's likely to happen.

But there's interesting opportunities for asking who are the good guys and what their relation to structures of power is or should be.

I'd kind of like to be a better writer so I could answer such questions in the form of kick arse fiction, but at best for that I would require much practice.

Fanfic answers such questions while galloping past them looking at the pretty white guys shagging. I mean, not so often does fanfic get stuck in on questions other than will they won't they, but somewhere in the background is an implied answer. And sometimes it makes me tad bit uncomfortable, reading happy snuggly romantic fiction about an assassin and the guy who aims him at (exactly what kind of) enemies.

... mostly though I just like the epic trust oasis effect and carry on reading until the Happily Ever After.

Or, in this case, I go back to trying to get to sleep.
... is possibly slight bit metaphoric right there...


Feb. 3rd, 2013 01:16 am
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I watched that Disney film Brave.
I didn't like it very much.
I liked the animation for things like water and fire and hair, but the people looked like weird ethnically stereotyped dollies and kind of creeped me out.
And Read more... )
I don't know, there's nothing particular wrong with the story, just nothing particular impressive either.
Not my cup of tea.

I have a headache and I'm grumpy and it's 0130 in the morning and maybe I just shouldn't have started a film.
beccaelizabeth: Asleep; comic book Giles with his glasses off, asleep on a book (Giles sleepy)
My has a headache.
It is very, very sunny, to the point that having the blinds down really isn't helping. It's only ever this bright for a couple of hours, but these are the hours, and it is indeed bright.
And now, it sounds like the builders are here, probably fixing someone else's kitchen. With hammers.

attempting to be nocturnal in these circumstances: pointless.

chances of getting to my dancing lessons in exactly ten hours: not exactly great.
beccaelizabeth: Lady Frankenstein plugs her brain in (net access)
Was awake all night with a bad brain
having completely run out of food and drink and failed at even clicking a button to remedy that
got to sleep some time after 0800
slept all day (when I have things to do tomorow I'll probably have to cancel now)
got woke up at 1630 by my employee asking about tonight plans. remade plans as I woke up. needed shopping, so instead of dancing there was shopping.
Tesco has properly stopped stocking quorn. I went to Customer Services and made a :-( face and said now they have none of my foods. there are 6 things, fake-ham slices, gruyere cheese escalopes, quorn mince and chickenish pieces that are in the freezers anyway, and cottage pie... and something else I can't remember that I don't eat anyway. The only thing left out of my favourites buy them ever week list is the cottage pie. and that's because of sales so they won't be replacing it.
So I'll have to order in from Norwich instead.

Now I am home. I have a headache, I feel sick, I have felt that way for hours, it was a contributing factor to the suckness that happened before I could sleep, and I just want to reboot today and start over.

I am waiting for the juice to chill before I drink it. I think possibly that's not a good idea. I should have bought something in a bottle to be going on with. I'll just drink room temperature juice instead. Blergh.

Oh joy

May. 24th, 2012 09:08 am
beccaelizabeth: Asleep; comic book Giles with his glasses off, asleep on a book (Giles sleepy)
I still have a headache
and someone is doing DIY in the underneath garage.
beccaelizabeth: animated: Oz from Buffy the vampire slayer, looking at a piece of paper, then up at viewer, puzzled. (studious)
I have read the stupid Kracauer book, including the 2004 introduction that explains all the ways it is stupid, up through the chapter on Caligari. Which is the film I'm writing about. So I've read the important bits. Except it will keep on referring to it after that, so there's probably more bits I should read, but still. I read it. I win at study.

... now I have a headache. *sigh*

Also, I put little post it flags on the bits with useful or interesting quotes, and basically every page has three of them, so they're not massively helpful now. I just doubled the width of the book or something. Sticky notes of doom.

I don't know what I'm going to say about Caligari. Read more... )

... okay, actually, I seem to know what I'm going to say in my essay about Caligari.

Now I just need to make it fit the learning outcomes, refer to other sorts of art (Expressionism, pretty easy with Caligari), and draw on bits from other modules (not so much easy, will have to poke more carefully). Oh, and decide on the exact phrasing. Something like "Explore the significance of Dr Caligari's glasses" maybe.

... and I have a bunch of weeks to make it say it. Essay hand in is a couple of weeks away even without the usual extensions.

On the other hand, I still need to make a coherent presentation tomorrow and whenever I practice in my head it keeps changing. Also I am supposed to have done a critical commentary of my own short story, and I haven't, and due to the headache I'm pretty sure I won't tonight.

And I have less than 8 hours to get 8 hours sleep, but since I only woke up six hours ago that's really not going to happen.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
It is Sunday so the plan is to go have breakfast food at morrisons. Read more... )

My shopping trip resulted in two DVDs, one tub of ice cream, and some bread I asked mum to get while I was going through the checkout because I'd forgot. Very organised proper shopping trip there.

I bought some DVDs and paper and pens as a late christmas present for my brother, who is difficult to buy for since he asked only for massively expensive things. Hmmm, actually mum took two of the DVDs out, so I only bought him the one. She thinks he has the others already. Mum didn't want a DVD present for her own because she thinks its silly how we all end up with a copy. But then she doesn't borrow any. *shrugs*

So, social interaction with family, and nobody went kaboom. Win.

ETA: Though now I has headache. Not as win.
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
I spent my day waiting for shopping, clearing my tv recorder onto discs, and playing a computer game. A game I did not like. A game I knew I did not like after the first level. I therefore cannot explain why I spent six hours playing it, but there you go, I did. I played it until I was about two levels from finished, and it crashed. And had not been saving my game. Since it offered no save game button I somehow assumed it was saving it. But no. So, even more pointless and futile than usual then. I thought about going to bed early, but then remembered it's New Year's Eve. Seeing as all I'll do is watch BBC2 and drink orange juice, there isn't much point, but *shrugs*.

So, okay, everyone is doing year in review stuff. Since my main feeling about the year is 'yaays, it's over!' I'm not keen on reviewing it. Also, it don't really feel over, on account of I haven't finished the essay yet. Same as every year since 2002 then.

I kicked off 2011 by writing a short story, on the theory omens attend upon beginnings, or start as you mean to go on. Seeing as I then wrote and posted unlocked 5 original short stories, posted locked another two, and did 56,517 words of a novel over the summer, I'd say that worked. Read more... )

Re-reading my year isn't on the whole making me more cheerful about it.

So: 2011: It's over!


*watches Hootenanny*
beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)
also some nausea. I guess my function as the oh-god of hangovers continues to apply. I don't drink, I still get epic blergh.

Dreamed something that was sort of Merlin but with Rupert Giles, because more interesting. Magic was illegal and secret. Magic was also what keeps everyone's heart beating, so there were some difficulties in definition. There were also these things, they were compasses but the needle was floating in a very interesting fluid. You could pour your magic in and keep it seperate. The fluid was clear when empty but got tinted with color according to the user when filled. And if the user died, the magic didn't. It obviously should have been more useful to them in place and ready to help them not die, but if that didn't happen, you could find, or be given, or inherit, a crystal backed compass full of magic. Getting the magic out again felt like reliving the moment the compass was filled, which could be very boring if someone routinely filtered off a day's magic at a time (Giles), but could also involve the moments before battle (some nameless knight), or running for your life (dream me's father). And, especially if you didn't know what was going on, one would react to that feeling. So when I'd inherited that magic from the compass I'd run away and kept running for days. Literally. The magic fuels muscle just as well as more esoteric things.

So then I found a compass flooded with red, and when I let the magic out I discovered someone had filled the compass at a very private moment... and I didn't think it was the magic's owner that had meant to do that. They were far too distracted to concentrate on such a thing. So I had a compass full of stolen magic. And I thought it belonged to Arthur.

Also, even if it didn't, it could be transferred to him. Magic could be taken out and put in again. That was how blood magic worked, stealing the heartbeat part from any person. Magic sufficient for spells and spectaculars was more likely to have been accumulated over generations, or in group rituals, but some people were just born shining with it. Some of them turned it into spells, some of them turned it into swordplay, and neither necessarily knew they were doing it.

Useful magic setup. Either needs a plot or becoming a PWP with Arthur in it.

Someone is nearby sawing something. I don't know why they felt the need today. I'm vaguely hoping it has to do with the front door, which has been messed up so many times I don't think swapping the glass out will be sufficient this time. Probably not though. Probably just noise.


beccaelizabeth: my Watcher tattoo in blue, plus Be in red Buffy style font (Default)

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